IELTS Grammar / Vocabulary: correct or improve

The following sentences (and parts of sentences) come from the 'comments' area below Thursday's lesson. Can you correct the mistake(s) in each one?

1. The number of participants at hospital emergency care departments...
   
2. People in the age of 75 and over were the most visitors’ emergency care.
3. In overall, there was an increase in the proportion of patients.
4. ...proportion of patients who went for a visit in the ER department...
5. The infants and elderlies suffered delicately illness than the other groups.
6. Obviously, a period of one year from December 2016 until December 2017 is observed upward trend in the need for hospital service.

Comments

[Rerena]

1.The figure for participants...
2.People aged 75 or over were the most frequent visitors to emergency care.
3.Overall, the proportion of patients increased.
4....proportion of patients who visited the ER department...
5.The infants and elders suffered more illness than other groups.
6.Obviously, an upward trend in people's need for hospital service is observed from 2016 to 2017.

[Jeremy]

1.participants at hospital emergency care departments...
2.people aged 75 or over were the most visitors' emergency care.
3. Overall, there was an increase in the proportion of patients.
4. proportion of patients who visited in the ER department...
5. The infants and elders suffered less illness than the other groups.
6. Obviously, a period of one year from December 2016 until December 2017 observed an upward trend in the need for hospital service.

[Raju]

1. The number of participants at emergency care unit....
2. People aged 75 and more were the highest visits in emergency care services...
3. Overall, there was an increase in the rate of patients.
4. The proportion patients who went in ER department. .
5.The infants and elders suffered from illness compare to other group of patients.
6. Apparently, from December 16 to December 17, the need for hospital service was on the rise.

Pls correct my mistakes.

[Raju]

4. The proportion of patients who went in ER department. ...
5. The infants and elders were suffered from series illness compare to other group of patients.

[shokhrukh]

1. The number of attendances at hospital emergency care departments...

2. The highest number of emergency care visits was recorded for those aged 75 and over

3. Overall, there was an increase in the number of visits

4. ...proportion of patients who paid a visit to the ER department...

5. People aged 75 & over and those aged under 5 attended emergency care departments the most

6. An upward trend in the number of emergency care visits can be observed between December 2016 and December 2017

[Csaj]

Raju:

Q1)
https://www.google.com/search?q=%22arriving%20at%20emergency%22&tbm=bks&tbas=0

https://www.google.com/search?tbo=p&tbm=bks&q=%22arrivals+at+emergency%22&num=10

So either "patient arrivals at emergency departments" OR "patients arriving at emergency departments".

Q2) https://www.google.com/search?tbo=p&tbm=bks&q=%22attendees+at+emergency%22&num=10

Again: "were the most frequent attendees at emergency departments".
OR
"were the group who turned up most frequently at .."

Q3) -> "an (across-the-board) increase in the incidence/frequency of arrivals "

Q4) ->...of patients arriving at ER.

Q5) SEE fruzsi's comment to Jeremy at the end here:

http://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2018/05/ielts-writing-task-1-the-overview-is-key.html#comments

Q6) from comparing December 2016 to December 2017, the demand for hospital services was on the rise

[Chutiphon Moranon]

Here it is my version. Please rate or correct me.
Thanks in advance.

1. The number of *attendees* at hospital emergency care departments...

2. People *who have age 75 or more than that had the highest number of attendees* at emergency care.

3. In overall, there was an increase in the proportion of patients in 2017 *in comparison with that of 2016*.

4. ...proportion of patients who *took a medical service* in the ER department...

5. The infants and *elderly were more frequent to get an illness than that of* the other groups.

6. Obviously, a period of one year from December 2016 *to that of 2017* is observed *accordingly to the age profiles* in the need for hospital services.

[shokhrukh]

Raju

1. you participate in discussions, contests, sports and other ACTIVITIES, but NOT in emergency care units. ( ithink:)

2. People can visit or be visited, but they are NOT visits

3. The rate at which something happens is the speed with which it happens. So you can say the rate of hair growth, rate of progress, rate of crime/unemployment, but not rate of patients (ithink)

4. For some reason "patients who went in ER department" doesn't sound right ( sorry i don't know why)

6. it is CLEAR, not apparently.

[shokhrukh]

Chutiphon

2. i don't see a reason why you should write ' People *who have age 75 or more than that' instead of 'people aged 75 and over' , as the latter is more clear and succinct

3. Overall, not in overall

5. The infants and elderly were more frequent to get an illness than the infants and elderly
of the other groups. -- is that what you meant?

6. i don't understand the 6th sentence

(everything above is just my opinion, so accept it with a certain degree of scepticism)

[Csaj]

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=rate+of+attendances%2Cper+1000-population%2Cwas+recorded+in%2Crate+of+attendance%2Cper+mil%2Cper+thousand%2Cper+thousand+population%2C+per+1000+population&year_start=1800&year_end=2000&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Cwas%20recorded%20in%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Crate%20of%20attendance%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cper%20mil%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cper%20thousand%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cper%20thousand%20population%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cper%201000%20population%3B%2Cc0

[Csaj]

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=*_VERB+medical+treatment&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t2%3B%2C%2A_VERB%20medical%20treatment%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Brefuse_VERB%20medical%20treatment%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bseek_VERB%20medical%20treatment%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Breceive_VERB%20medical%20treatment%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Breceiving_VERB%20medical%20treatment%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Brequire_VERB%20medical%20treatment%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Breceived_VERB%20medical%20treatment%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bprovide_VERB%20medical%20treatment%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Brequiring_VERB%20medical%20treatment%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bundergoing_VERB%20medical%20treatment%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bseeking_VERB%20medical%20treatment%3B%2Cc0

[Csaj]

Infant = "A very young human being, from birth to somewhere between six months and two years of age" per Wiktionary

Preschooler = "A child who has not yet attended school" : as children in the UK start school at five, this is roughly the same as children aged under 5.

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=preschoolers%2Cunder-fives%2Cunder+5s%2Cunder-5s%2Cunder+5+year+olds&year_start=1800&year_end=2000&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Cpreschoolers%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cunder%20-%20fives%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cunder%205s%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cunder%20-%205s%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cunder%205%20year%20olds%3B%2Cc0

[Rubaya]

1.The number of patients at the Emergency department

2.Patients aged 75 and above
OR
Patients 75 and older
OR
Patients 75 years of age and older

3.Over all, there was an increase in the number of patients

4.....number of patients visiting the E.R Department

5.Children aged younger than 5 and elderly aged 75 and above...

6.Clearly, over the period of 1 year, from December 2016 to December 2017, there was an upward trend in the figures for patients' visit to the Emergency Department.

[Rubaya]

* correction for 6
Clearly, there was an increase in the number of patients' E.R visits in December 2017 compared to December 2016

[Tien Tien]

I would like to correct those sentences as follows:
1. The number of participant at hospital emergency care departments...
2. People in the age of 75 and over were the most emergency care's visitors.
3. Overall, there was an increase in the proportion of patients.
4. ...proportion of patients who went to/visited the ER department...
5. The infants and the elderly suffered delicately more illness than the other groups.
6. Obviously, in a period of one year from December 2016 until December 2017, it is observed an upward trend in the need for hospital service.

[janey]

1. The number of patients in hospital emergency care department.
2. People who aged 75 and over were the frequent seeker of emergency care.
3. Overall, there was an increase in the number of patients.
4. ...the number of patients who went to visit in the ER department.
5. The infant and elderlies' suffered serious illness compared to the other groups.
6. Clearly, the period from December 2016 to December 2017 experienced an increase in the need for hospital services.

[Khaing]

Hi Simon, I would like to ask when I should put the article "the" in front of the answer for IELTS reading or listening.

For example, in Cambridge IELTS book 4 test 3 (Reading), the question No 18 is "What are the sections of the earth's crust, often associated with volcanic activity, called?"

The correct answer at the back of the book is "plates/ the plates/ the tectonic plates". If I answer this question with "tectonic plates", is it wrong?

For question No 34 and 36 (from Complete the table section) in the same test, the correct answer for question No 34 is "quality/ the quality/ the poor quality". Does it make the answer "poor quality" incorrect?

The correct answer for question 36 is "camera/ video camera/ recording/ video recording". My answer to this question was "the camera" which was not one of the correct answers provided. So, would it be marked as incorrect?

Could you kindly advise on this?

Thank you very much!

[Sakuna]

1. The number of participants at emergency departments...
2. People aged 75 and over were the most visitors’ emergency care.
3. Overall, there was an increase in the proportion of patients.
4. ...proportion of patients who visited the ER department...
5. The infants and elderly suffered delicately illness than the other groups.
6. Obviously, the period of one year from December 2016 until December 2017 is observed upward trend in the need for hospital service.

[Csaj]

@Khaing
If words are optional they appear in brackets. Thus if the answer for Q34 were "quality/ the quality/ (the) poor quality", then leaving "the" out of your answer would be okay.

Similarly, with Q36, if one of the alternatives were: "(the) camera", then it would not matter whether the answer given was "the camera" or just "camera".

[Csaj]

useful phrases:

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=*+visits+to+emergency+departments%2C*+in+emergency+departments%2C*+to+emergency+departments%2Cpatients+presenting+to+emergency+departments%2C*+visits+to+emergency+departments%2Cusing+emergency+departments%2Cattending+emergency+departments&year_start=1940&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t2%3B%2C%2A%20visits%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bof%20visits%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bmillion%20visits%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B.t2%3B%2C%2A%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bseen%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Btreated%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bused%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bpatients%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bcare%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bworking%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bwork%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Btreatment%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Band%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bavailable%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B.t2%3B%2C%2A%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bvisits%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bpresenting%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bpresent%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bcome%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Badmitted%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bpresentations%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cpatients%20presenting%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B.t2%3B%2C%2A%20visits%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bof%20visits%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bmillion%20visits%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cusing%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cattending%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0

[Csaj]

Here are some useful phrases:

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=*+visits+to+emergency+departments%2C*+in+emergency+departments%2C*+to+emergency+departments%2Cpatients+presenting+to+emergency+departments%2C*+visits+to+emergency+departments%2Cusing+emergency+departments%2Cattending+emergency+departments&year_start=1940&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t2%3B%2C%2A%20visits%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bof%20visits%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bmillion%20visits%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B.t2%3B%2C%2A%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bseen%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Btreated%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bused%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bpatients%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bcare%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bworking%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bwork%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Btreatment%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Band%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bavailable%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B.t2%3B%2C%2A%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bvisits%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bpresenting%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bpresent%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bcome%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Badmitted%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bpresentations%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cpatients%20presenting%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B.t2%3B%2C%2A%20visits%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bof%20visits%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bmillion%20visits%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cusing%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cattending%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0

[Oley]

1.The number of the participants at an emergency care departments of the hospital...

2. The most visitor of the emergency care were people in the age of 75 and over.

3.Overall, there was an increase in the proportion of patients.

4. ...the proportion of patients who went for a visit in the ER department...

5. Infants and elderly suffered from the delicate illness more than other groups.

6.Obviously,the need for hospital service from December 2016 until December 2017,a period of one year,observed upward trend.

[Tae]

1, The number of patients at hospital emergency care departments.
(we do not say participants for patients )

2, People aged 75 and over visited the most in emergency care department.

3,Overall, the number of patients increased.

4, The number of patients visited in the ED.
(when you use abbreviation, we have to be careful, ER=Emergency room, ED=emergency department )

5, The infant and the elderly patients suffered infectious disease more than the other groups.

6, Obviously, the need for hospital service was observed upward trend from December 2016 to December 2017.

[Kata]

@Tae

Re (2) ->"People aged 75 and over visited emergency care departments the most."
(4) -> visited the ED
[In English we visited something, someone,somewhere - no preposition]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emergency_department

5) There is nothing about infectious disease in the bar chart. "Infant" does not equal "under 5": infants are babies, not preschoolers.

6) "was observed" : this is passive, and passive voice cannot have an object, (except for certain verbs such as "give", "donate"). Here "upward trend" is a dangling object.

-> demand for emergency care saw an upward trend.

"demand" is more accurate than "need".

https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/demand

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=demand+for+emergency+*&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t2%3B%2Cdemand%20for%20emergency%20%2A%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bdemand%20for%20emergency%20food%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdemand%20for%20emergency%20services%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdemand%20for%20emergency%20shelter%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdemand%20for%20emergency%20medical%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdemand%20for%20emergency%20room%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdemand%20for%20emergency%20care%3B%2Cc0

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=showed+an+upward+trend%2Csaw+an+upward+trend&year_start=1800&year_end=2000&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Cshowed%20an%20upward%20trend%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Csaw%20an%20upward%20trend%3B%2Cc0

[Vickie]

1. the number of patients visiting hospital emergency care departments
2. People aged 75 and over were the main visitors to emergency care.
3. Overall, an increase can be viewed in the proportion of patients in each age group throughout the surveyed period.
4. the proportion of people who went to the ED
5. More young children under 5s and elders aged 75s suffered illness than those in the other groups.
6. Obviously, an upward trend is observed in the need for hospital service throughout the one year period from December 2016 to December 2017

[Kata]

@Vickie
There are comments re elders vs elderly by csaj on this thread:

http://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2018/05/ielts-writing-task-1-the-overview-is-key.html#comments

re 6) the chart shows two discrete months only, so there is no information on what happened "throughout the one year period".

"Obviously" can be read as being condescending; it is safer to write 'it is clear/evident that'.

[Tae]

@Kata

Thank you for correcting my mistakes.

We do not use 'delicately illness' in a medical setting.That's why I chose to use ' infectious disease' instead. I should have not used the word which is not related to the graph.

Thank you

[Joanne]

The number of participants at hospital emergency care departments...

--> ....... in the hospital emergency care departments.......

People in the age of 75 and over were the most visitors’ emergency care.

-->People at the age of 75 and over......

In overall, there was an increase in the proportion of patients.
...proportion of patients who went for a visit in the ER department...

--> Overall, there was an increase in the number of patients who visit the ER department

The infants and elderlies suffered delicately illness than the other groups.

--> Infants and the elderly suffered more illness than other groups.

Obviously, a period of one year from December 2016 until December 2017 is observed upward trend in the need for hospital service.

-->An clear upward trend in the need for hospital service can be seen from December 2016 to December 2017

[DAISY]

1. The number of participants in the hospital emergency care departments...
2. People at the age of 75 and over were the most visitors’ emergency care.
3. In overall, there was an increasing proportion of patients.
4. ...proportion of patients who went for a visit to the ER department...
5. The infants and elderlies suffered delicately illness more than the other groups.
6. Obviously, a period of one year from December 2016 until December 2017 is observed an upward trend in the need for hospital service.

[Simon]

ANSWERS FROM SIMON:

First, here are the main problems:

1. If you visit a hospital as a patient, don't call yourself a 'participant'. This word seems strange in this context.

2. The phrases 'in the age of' and 'were the most visitors' emergency care' are wrong.

3. 'In overall' is wrong.

4. 'went for a visit' - this is what tourists do, and it's not an appropriate phrase to describe hospital patients.

5. 'elderlies' and 'suffered delicately illness' are wrong.

6. 'Obviously' is not a good word to use in your writing. The "tone" of this word is a bit arrogant or condescending (as Kata mentioned above) - it gives the idea that something is easy or obvious to you, and that you shouldn't even have to bother talking about it!

Also, the phrase 'is observed upward trend' is wrong.

[Simon]

FROM SIMON (continued)

Here are my suggested versions:

1. The number of hospital emergency care patients

2. People aged 75 and over made the most visits to emergency care departments.

3. Overall, there was an increase in the proportion of patients.

4. ...proportion of patients who attended the ER departments...

5. Infants and eldery people required emergency care more frequently than the other age groups.

6. It is noticeable that the figures for attendances at emergency care departments rose over the one-year period.

[hai]

6.Apparently, the need for hospital service from December 2016 to December 2017 is on the rise.

[Rubaya]

Dear Mr Simon.

with respect to your corrections ,stated above in point no 6, i would like to point out that the barchart is not over a year, it is only for December of 2 years.
Therefore is it appropriate to use the term "one year"?

Secondly as mentioned by others by providing dictionary links, that infants are from birth till 2 years, so in my opinion,it would be technically wrong to use this term for kids aged under 5 years.

[M'ambo]

It seems quite tricky to make the year-on-year comparison accurately. This seems a good approach:

Compared with December in the previous year, December 2017 saw an uptick in attendances across all age-groups.

It is important NOT to state this as a trend, as comparing just two sets of figures a year apart is not enough data. After all, the result could be just a one-off aberration, and/or for all we know the other intervening months could show a dramatic drop in attendances.

[Oley]

Thank you for your answers and a good piece of advice.

[Khe]

@Rubaya

see:
https://www.google.com/search?tbm=bks&q=infant+under+5

Phrases such as "death rates of children under 5 and of infants under 1 year" seem to confirm the distinction.

There seems to be a slightly different age bracket implied in the UK if using phrases like "infant school/teacher":

https://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/infant-school-teacher-class-etc

"Preschooler" has two possible meanings:
- a child who has not yet attended school
- a child in pre-school.

https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/preschooler#English

Longman suggest this is American English:
https://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/preschooler

[Onur B]

1-The attendances of paitians at hospital emergency care departments has review according the age group has been given table.

2-The most visitors people for emergency care were the aged 75 and over.

3-Overall, Proportion of patients has increased among from December 2016 till December 2017.

4-The proportion of patients who required to visit in the ER department has increased.

5-The infants and elders suffered for their illness than the other groups.

6-Apparently, It is observed that between December 2016 and 2017 trend of need for hospital service were increased.