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Thursday, September 06, 2018

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sir can we write overall at end of task 1

The bar chart compares how often people consumed in fast food restaurants across USA in three different years.


It is clear that most people went to fast good restaurants once a week or once a month in three separate years while the minority of people never turned up or ate every day in fast food restaurants.

In these three separate years, less than 5% of people never ate in these restaurants. Roughly same figure can be seen for people consumed every day. By contrast, more than 25% of Americans went to these places once a week and once a month, In 2006, the proportion of Americans spent once a week in restaurants reached its peak at 33%. In 2013, we saw the same figure for people spent once a month.

Over 15% of people spent several times a week in these restaurants while under 15% of people went to these places a few times a year. overall, the frequencies in 5 different categories remained relatively stable over a 10-year period.

Kiran

'Overall' is seldom used at the end of a sentence. In English it often sounds better if short or single-word phrases come before longer ones. The other way round can make the final word come across as an afterthought.

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=overall+_END_%2C_START_+Overall+%26%2344%3B%2Coverall_ADV%2Coverall_ADJ&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Coverall%20_END_%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2C_START_%20Overall%20%2C%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Coverall_ADV%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Coverall_ADJ%3B%2Cc0

Paul

1) 'consume' is a transitive verb and therefore must have an object
https://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/consume

2) 'in three different years': well, we would hardly sample the same three years. -> The chart samples the eating habits .... in the decade to 2013
OR:
The chart compares .... by sampling data from three years in the decade to ...

3) "In these three separate years, ": better to set up the data points in the introduction, and avoid constantly repetition. The same could apply to the cohort nomenclature.

4) -> a minority : the can be more than one. But only one majority.

5) for people consumed : people are sometimes consumed by lust, or fire, or evil, or all three. https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=consumed+by+*_NOUN&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t2%3B%2Cconsumed%20by%20%2A_NOUN%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bconsumed%20by%20fire_NOUN%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bconsumed%20by%20humans_NOUN%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bconsumed%20by%20man_NOUN%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bconsumed%20by%20flames_NOUN%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bconsumed%20by%20animals_NOUN%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bconsumed%20by%20people_NOUN%

6) 'spent ' : this does not work here.

7) ' reached its peak at 33%': I would suggest that one can only use this type of phrase if there is a complete data series, ie every year for the decade. It might have peaked in 2005; just we do not have data for that year.

8) 'In 2013, we saw the same figure for people spent once a month.' -> The same figure applies to the fortnightly/monthly category in 2013.

9) -> An incidence of several times per week applied to over fifteen percent of data sample, and the same for those with an incidence of just a few times per year.

10) Final sentence is not true: there was a shift toward lower frequencies.

Using the 'bell-shaped curve' template:

"With that in mind, think about what having fatter tails might mean. If you were to think of a curve having three parts (all imaginary) – the peak, the shoulder (or the middle part), and the tails, you can imagine what happens if you stretch the peak up. That reduces variance, and probably sucks in ‘mass’ from the shoulders."

Thus we could write:

The chart shows six cohorts, the peak ones represent once per week, and fortnightly/monthly, followed by two shoulder groups: several, and a few times per annum; and finally, the tail cohorts: never, and every day.

The incidence for the peaks was 25-35%. For the two shoulder cohorts it was around fifteen percent, and for the tails, less than five percent.

Better:
OVERVIEW:
The results as reported resemble a bell-shaped curve, with peak incidence in the two median groupings (once-per-week, and once-per-fortnight or month). The final results for the decade are skewed more towards a drop-off in frequency for the majority.

DETAIL:
Around sixty percent of the responses fell into the two median categories, slightly less than the 68% in a normal distribution. The shoulders are wider than normal, with these cohorts (several times per week, and a few times per year) showing incidences of between thirteen and twenty percent, suggesting a wider variance than normal. The tails are also fatter than normal, varying between just over two percent to five.

There was a small trend toward a higher frequency in 2006, but the final results are skewed the other way, evidencing an across-the-board decline, with the median result shifting from weekly, toward once a fortnight or month.

Not sure I could write this in twenty minutes!

Hi!

When reading the overview paragraph of Simon, I don't understand this sentence: "there was a shift towards eating in these restaurants less frequently", can anyone help me, please?

Thank you so much!

Sam

Look at the red circles and the arrow on the diagram. The top category moves from once per week to fortnightly/monthly.

In this bar graph, we can examine the fast food eaten by general public of US are divided into six various categories within three specific years (2003,2006, and 2013), measured in percentage of people’s group.

As a starting point, we can see the fast food restaurant were at his highest peak in year of 2006 and 2013 (once a week and one or twice a month). As a final point, minority crowd, haven’t had food or they relay street food as there daily basic needs.

Begging with, the person who is having fast food as their daily need was not on the trend from around 3% to 4% people; however, near about same trend we can see in never taking fast food. The public having fast food once a week is near about 10% to 15% less then person having several times a week in all three years.

Moving to once or twice a week in 2013 is the highest point we can see around 34%, followed by 25% in 2006, and 30% in 2003. Few times in 365 days was stable point in decades at 15%.

Ranjit

1) The chart below provides a listing of the most common verbs used with 'the chart': why would you use anything else?

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=the+chart+shows%2Cthe+chart+compares%2Cthe+chart+illustrates%2Cthe+chart+demonstrates%2Cchart+below+gives+an+*%2Cchart+below+gives+a+rough%2Cthe+chart+summarizes%2Cthe+chart+indicates%2Cthe+chart+provides+*&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Cthe%20chart%20shows%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cthe%20chart%20compares%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cthe%20chart%20illustrates%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cthe%20chart%20demonstrates%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cchart%20below%20gives%20a%20rough%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cthe%20chart%20summarizes%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cthe%20chart%20indicates%3B%2Cc0%3B.t2%3B%2Cthe%20chart%20provides%20%2A%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bthe%20chart%20provides%20a%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bthe%20chart%20provides%20the%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bthe%20chart%20provides%20an%3B%2Cc0

'we can examine' is not good academic style. You should avoid 'we'. Also, 'examine' suggests that you are going to dissect it in the laboratory.

The bar graph shows the fast food eaten by general public of US are divided into six various percentage cohorts for three specific years (2003,2006, and 2013).

As a starting point,[avoid unnecessary filler] we can see[not good academic style] the fast food restaurant were at his[whose? ->its] highest peak in year of 2006 and 2013 (once a week and one or twice a month). [This sentence needs a complete rewrite, but only after you have reviewed all the critique on the previous page here: http://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2018/08/ielts-writing-task-1-fast-food-bar-chart.html#comments, and looked at Simon's overview above.]


As a final point,[avoid filler] minority crowd[inappropriate word choice], haven’t[do not use contractions] had food or they relay[rely on] street food as there daily basic needs[do not make unwarranted assumptions].

Begging with,[beg?] the person who is having fast food as their daily need[inaccurate paraphrase: see Simon et al] was not on the trend from around 3% to 4% people; however, near about same trend[google 'trend' and find out how this word is used: there is also a graph on the page cited above] we can see[not academic wording] in never taking fast food. ....

Ranjit, you clearly have some way to go to achieve a Band 7 result. Please work through all the material in the archives on this site and check Simon's model answers, and read the critiques in the comments. You have many months of work ahead, so don't get frustrated, just plod on, the only way forward is upward.

hi
May i mention any year in overview or overall?
Thanks

Parminder Singh

The overview paragraph is about the main trends, differences, or stages. I would suggest usually there is little need to mention specific years: this will come in the detail paragraphs later. However, you may need phrases such as: by the end of the period under review, early in the decade, throughout the period, and so on.

The bar graph gives information about the frequency of eating at a fast food chain by people in the United States of America over a 10-year period.

It is clear that most Americans went to eat at fast food restaurants every once a week and once or twice a month from 2003 to 2013. Only a small proportion of them ate in this type of restaurant.

In 2003, over 30% of people in the USA ate in fast-food chains, and this figure rose to approximately 33% in 2006 before falling to around 27% in 2013. Americans had a 30% frequency when eating in fast-food restaurants for once or twice a month in 2003. However, this percentage fell by 5% after 3 years, and then rose to about 33% in 2013.

Only around 15% to 20% of Americans ate at a fast-food restaurant for several times a week over a period of 10 years, while between 13% and 15% of them went there for a few times a year. Only less than 5% of people in the USA had eaten in this kind of restaurant daily or never had been there totally.

kLwT

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=fast+food+*&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t2%3B%2Cfast%20food%20%2A%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bfast%20food%20restaurants%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bfast%20food%20restaurant%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bfast%20food%20and%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bfast%20food%20chains%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bfast%20food%20outlets%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bfast%20food%20industry%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bfast%20food%20chain%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bfast%20food%20is%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bfast%20food%20places%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bfast%20food%20place%3B%2Cc0

Not all fast food restaurants belong to a chain or franchise-> fast food outlet

... every once a week

"Only a small proportion of them ate in this type of restaurant." : no, not true.

By using the word 'incidence' we can avoid repeating the phrase 'eating at fast food restaurants' again and again. Eg: The incidence in the once-or-twice-per-month category was ... fell to ... %

-> never had been there at all.

OOPS SORRY ABOUT THAT

-> every once a week

"Only a small proportion of them ate in this type of restaurant." : no, not true.

By using the word 'incidence' we can avoid repeating the phrase 'eating at fast food restaurants' again and again. Eg: The incidence in the once-or-twice-per-month category was ... fell to ... %

-> never had been there at all.

Csaj


Thank you so much for the feedback. Can you help me, how can I much more improve my writing? My exam will be on the 15th of September. Please help me!

Gioletta,

Thank you so much!

kLwT

1) Calm down.

2) You need method. Make sure your introduction clearly states the period/dates, categories, and so on. Do not struggle to paraphrase: accuracy is paramount in Task 1.

Check the criteria for Band 7: presents a clear overview of main trends, differences or stages. If it is a graph, identify trends, pie charts -> differences, process diagram -> stages.

Select and group the detail to support the main features you identified in the overview.

Keep to time on Task 1, but mention each category at least once. Check your grammar as you go.

Good luck !

This is my writing:

The bar chart compares the percentage of people spend time in American fast food restaurant from 2003 to 2013.

It is clear that the majority of people ate in fast food restaurant between once a week and once or twice a month. We can also see that the percentage of people who spent time in fast food restaurant was lesser then its proportion over the decade.

Looking first at once a week categories, over 30% of people ate in fast food restaurant in 2003. This figure rose to almost 38% in 2006 before decreased to about 27,5% in 2013. Interestingly, those who visited fast food restaurant several time a week were lesser than a half of its rates with under 20% over the period shown.

The figure for eating fast food once or twice a month saw a change in the trend of eating in American's way, accounted for 38% in 2013. Everyday and never made the smallest visit with under 5%. There was around 15% in the proportion of people spent few time a year in fast food restaurant over the 10-year period.


Huong
[]

The bar chart compares the percentage of people [missing relative pronoun] spend [wrong tense]time in American fast food restaurant [countable nouns generalize in the plural] from 2003 to 2013. [spent time in !== ate out in ]

It is clear that the majority of people ate in fast food restaurant [singular/plural] between once a week and once or twice a month. We can also see that [redundant phrase] the percentage of people who spent time [inaccurate] in fast food restaurant [pl] was lesser then [less than] its proportion over the decade. [What? Lacks coherence! This will drop your score for 'cohesion and coherence' which makes up a quarter of your marks]

Looking first at [missing article] once a week categories, over 30% [write one-word numbers in full: thirty percent] of people ate in fast food restaurant [pl] in 2003. This figure rose to almost 38% in 2006 before decreased [grammar error] to about 27,5% in 2013. Interestingly,[Task 1 must be objective: this adverb amounts to comment] those who visited fast food restaurant [again] several time [singular/plural] a week were [made up/accounted for] lesser [less]than a half of its rates [local body rates are a form of local government taxation: why here? again incoherent] with under 20% [twenty percent] over the period shown [under consideration/review].

The figure for eating fast food once or twice a month saw a change in the trend of eating in American's way ['trend' is quite tricky to use: google it and check good dictionary ], accounted [grammar: -ing ]for 38% in 2013. Everyday and never [needs quotes: the 'everyday' and 'never' categories] made the smallest visit [had the smallest incidence] with under 5%[five percent]. There was around 15% [fifteen percent] in the proportion of people spent few time[same story] a year in fast food restaurant[!] over the 10-year period.[decade][Rewrite beginning: The proportion ... OR The incidence ... ]

That's enough for now..

The bar chart compares the proportion of people who ate out in America at fast food restaurants from 2003 to 2013.

It is clear to see that the majority of people ate at fast food restaurants between once a week and once or twice a month. Also, the frequency of eating at fast food restaurants among people in America was less often than its proportion over the period shown.

Looking first at the once a week categories, in 2003, over 30 percent was the proportion of people went out to eat at fast food restaurants. This figure rose to almost 38 percent in 2006 before falling to around 27.7 percent in 2013. However, the incidence of people who eat out in America at several times a week seemed less than a half of its proportion in a once a week category, accounting for under 20 percent.

The figure for eating fast food at once or twice a month saw a change in Americans' way, with 38 percent by 2013. The statistics for every day and never had the smallest proportion, just around 5 percent. In addition, the incidence of fast food eaten by customers only a few times a year in the USA was 15 percent.

Huong, the third sentence I don't understand: do you mean that there was a trend toward eating out at fast food restaurants less frequently? That is, there was an overall fall in incidence?

Hi Oleg,
what I mean is the high proportion of people who eat out at once a week in fast food restaurants from 2003 to 2006, they moved to get a higher proportion in 2016 at once or twice a month. Therefore, the percentage of people who went to eat in fast food restaurants less often than before. That's what I've been thinking.

Hi Huong

You mean there must have been an overall fall in the customer count. Curiously enough, places like McD keep track of the number of customers (ie transactions) at the counter. It is one of their key indicators.

Thank you all of you guys for giving me some advices. @Chick,Oleg, and Khe.

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