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Wednesday, August 22, 2018

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Literature plays a vital role in any society's culture and traditions .Some believes that the value of custom and literature of their own nation should be taught to adolescents rather than the historical value of other nations .I agree with the former statement .
To begin with , culture and literature should be known to children for the better understanding of past history ,so that they can connect with their own civilization .Further , it will help them to indulge themselves in the traditions and values of their own literature .For instance, grandparents use to tell stories to their grandchildren related with mythology so that they can value their culture more . Children will communicate with their elders and peers more effectively by understanding their literature .It will enhance their knowledge and create an impression on their own literature .
However,by giving more importance to other culture ,it will create confusions being stranger to their language and traditions .Also it will become difficult for youngsters to develop interconnection with them .Moreover it will create burden and stress on juveniles consequently they will start to loose interest in knowing the past history of any civilization .
To sum up , literature should be taught them as per their capabilities and more emphasis should be given on one's own culture in spite of others

I think a combination of the two is required:
we need to know about our own culture because it helps us to develop a rich cultural identity, and all various local cultures make the world a more interesting place to live.
On the other hand, in today's world, we also need to be aware of other country's culture and history since it allows us to develop more effective communications with them and eventually provides us with better opportunities (when seeking for a job, for example)

In my opinion, both domestic and international history should be learned.
Learn about local history
- Develop culture and national identity
- Reflect upon the mistakes, develop critical thinking

Learn about international history
- Promote mutual understanding for different nations
- Recognize and value diversity and difference, acceptance, finally appreciation

It is true that history plays a crutial role in human society. In my opinion, we should encourage people to learn about local history and foreign history as well.

Brainstorm

Local history: (1) pray and pay tributue to those who contributed to their countries. For example, in Canada, on 11th november each year people celerate veteran day to remember veterans who have died because of the country freedom. (2) It also a way for old generations teach young generations about the gratitude. (3) lesson learned.

Foreign history: (1) in the global world, everyone around the world connects to each other by some how; learning other cultures would allow us to understand and then create a better relationship. (2) lesson learned - eradicate poverty, eliminate famine and even prevent war. (3) For example, learned why second world war was broke out.

It is argued that comprehension of local areas have played a key role in forming cultures of a certain nation inside children, but some people believe that it is more vital for them to learn about oversea nation 's history. To me, I agree with the former statement.
The first worth-noting reason is that learning history of local area leaves youngsters well-known about national identity where they live. It is to say that historical value of our own nation make a fundamental of becoming the one who deeply care about current affair happening around us. People seem to pay more attention to responsibility for developing traditional cultures. For example, when Ho Chi Minh President who is Great People being well-known in the world with a huge expectation to make Vietnam turn into a developed country,becomes well-known among Vietnam community, they tend to strive for a better Vienam in the future. Considering about a dream of a Great man, citizens put their effort into practical action such as developing value of country, making propaganda to inform these values to international counterparts and so on.
In addition, historical events in other nations do not have much great influence in internal development of one nation, but emerging a detremental perspection. It is true that human-being trend to react as what they learn about, which clearly shows that oversea history might affect some of residents' emotion. When they get used to other nations'customs, positive thinking of them would be always toward overseas, regardless of their our nation. For the prolonged period of time, this form of behavior could make a change of human awareness and raise tendecy of being overreacted about conflict between internal and external cultures.
In conclusion, even though various people claim that it is neccesary to be aware of international history, I still belive that gaining knowledge of local history would benefit in strong nation developed by its own residents.

Band 7 states: "logically organises information and ideas; there is clear progression throughout". This means that we need to set up a logical framework in our answer.

The first question to ask is: what are our aims, goals, and objectives in the context of the question? Without this, there can be no criteria to evaluate possibilities and lead us to a logical answer.

What is the aim of education? To help children acquire skills that will probably be useful in later life?

Other ideas:
a) Everything you need to know is on the internet, so why teach knowledge (as opposed to skills) at all?

b) History is bunk. It is government propaganda aimed at bolstering the position of the ruling elite.

c) Culture covers many things, literature, music, dance, festivals, religion and so on. What exactly are we talking about?

d) What is important for the future of our children? If they are going to live peacefully herding reindeer on a deserted steppe, they may need only traditional skills, but if the world is to be affected by climatic change, pesticides and environmental pollution, or if their lives are to be dominated by wars, mass migration, social overcrowding, over-population, famine, extreme class-divides, inequality, oppression of women, terrorism, or perhaps a nuclear mishap, then these are the important things. How relevant is the past to an uncertain and changing future?

Most beaches here are overlooked by concrete bunkers from the last war. There are other places in other countries where you need to be careful not to step on what looks like a golf ball, but is part of a cluster bomb. What else do children need to know?

Environmental history is far more important. How irrigation leads to too much salt in the soil. How deforestation leads to erosion. How over-ploughing can produce a dust bowl. How soil fertility has fallen in some areas. How population growth has driven change. Social history might help, the history of exploitation, slavery, land-grabs, failed revolutions, the failure to implement the Kyoto protocol and the consequences for our future. It must be useful stuff.

https://www.cbsnews.com/pictures/us-cluster-bombs-still-killing-in-laos/5/

hi everyone

Here is my introduction:

People have different views about the importance of learning about our own cultures as opposed to foreign countries. While I agree that it is significant to study about our nation, I do believe there are benefits for students to know about the other cultures.

DO I get the right idea?

hanna

Revised wording:

A) People have different views as to whether it is more important to learn about the culture and history of other countries, rather than their own.

B) While I agree that it is helpful to study one's own nation and culture, I do believe that there are also/more benefits to be gained from knowing about other cultures.

Should really plan the whole essay first, before writing the introduction. Your 'middle' position might prove more difficult to follow through on.

I discussed my essay plan below with introduction and conclusion. Please rate it and provide your suggestions. Thanks in advance!

In the rapidly growing digital globe, people of different countries are close to each other than before. Hence, it becomes necessary for everyone to be aware of the past and culture of different nations. While I agree with the idea that educating the young generation about the history of their country is important, I do argue that teaching them about the past of different countries is equally valuable for their future development.

Para 2: Importance of learning local history…

Para 3: Importance of learning foreign history…

To sum up, learning the history of both local and foreign countries has equal importance for development in the current time.

Vishaal

1. i think you could be more efficient (you could save some time) if you wrote one sentence instead of two to introduce the topic
2. i also think the first sentence of your intro is a bit off-topic

" task 2 introductions should be short and direct"
i'd write something like this
Some people believe that we should prioritize our own local history over that of other nations. I disagree with the statement, and i think we must treat both our local history and the world history as being equally important.

what do you think?

shokhrukh

Point# 1: Agree but the 2nd sentence is necessary to connect with the idea of the essay. It also links with my opinion on the usefulness of learning the history of a foreign nation (3rd paragraph).

Point# 2: 1st sentence is not off-topic as it clearly indicates why one should learn about the history of foreign countries.

Vishaal

that's exactly what i'm talking about: giving reasons why one should learn about the history of foreign countries on the very 1st sentence of your essay doesn't seem to me like a good way to start your essay ( you should save them for body paragraphs).

Just by reading the first sentence of your introduction, a reader must be able to get a general idea of what you essay is going to be about. Don't you agree?

( by the way, these are just my opinion)

With the global connections between counties become tighter, a great amount of people start to learn other cultures through various media methods. Although I enjoy indulging in different customs and know how important the knowledge is in present global environment, I really insist on that people need to spare more time on their homeland culture.

Learning our own culture is everyone’s fundamental task. Firstly, it is necessary for people to know the history, art, technology and other information about their country in order to get the sense of cultural belonging. The other idea is that if people from different countries know their own cultures deeply, they can exchange these information easily and know each other better. Finally, cultures often help us understand our society then helps you get the best choice with illustrating the development of our country and society.

After getting familiar with our own culture, it is useful and helpful for people overseas to learn other cultures. For instance, when you travel around the world or study abroad, you can integrate into the country if you know how the local people communicate or their customs. Humans are always afraid to strangers or new one in the city, but if you can use their language fluently, they may feel kind of you and give you more help. Knowing local cultures also help travelers or oversea students avoids behaviors local people hate.

In conclusion, for all the people we must acquire our own cultures in-depth. After that, people overseas need to spend time on cultures from other countries.

In many countries American films and television programs are voiced over and shown widely or are available over the internet. Many children automatically become familiar with American culture. There is often no need to teach American culture as such.

Local culture, if not fully passed on to the next generation may be lost forever.

Children cannot learn everything, we have to choose what in our judgement will prove the most necessary and useful in the future.

Question 1:

Introduction: It is often argued that learning local history is more essential than studying foreign history. While I agree that local history should be studied in the first place, I believe that foreign history should not be disregarded.

1st Parapgraph: Why local history is important?

2nd Paragraph: However,… why foreign history should not be ignored?

Conclusion: both are important for reasons listed in the main paragraphs.

zsófi

Thank you!

@ilkin

I like you approach. Could you perhaps give some examples as to why local history is important, any why foreign history should not be ignored, please.

shokhrukh

Make sense! Agree with you and appreciate your valuable advice.

Revised introduction:

It is often debated by the people that learning our own nation’s history is way more valuable than studying the literature of foreign counties. While I agree with the idea that studying local history should be prioritized, I also believe that we should give equal importance to learning the world's history.

An Koo

1) comprehension of local areas have played -> understanding local culture and history has played

https://www.google.com/search?tbo=p&tbm=bks&q=%22understanding+local+culture+and+history%22&num=10

2) in forming cultures of a certain nation -> in fostering a sense of national identity

https://www.google.com/search?tbm=bks&ei=DY5_W_35O9T7-QaNwLqgCA&q=%22fostering+a+sense+of+national+identity%22&oq=%22fostering+a+sense+of+national+identity%22&gs_l=psy-ab.3...57241.60936.0.61304.17.15.2.0.0.0.244.2219.0j7j4.11.0....0...1c.1.64.psy-ab..6.2.442...33i10k1.0.dDuYobdJaX8&tbas=0

3) oversea nation 's history -> the history of foreign lands.

4) To me, I agree with the former statement. ("I agree ..." is enough)

5) worth-noting -> noteworthy
https://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/noteworthy

6) well-known-> well-informed

7) That is, a sound knowledge of the history of our own nation is fundamental to becoming someone who deeply cares about local current affairs.

8) Something like:
The story of Ho Chi Minh and his contribution to modern Vietnam often inspires the next generation to follow his example and strive for a better Vietnam in the future, and fulfil his dream.

9) propaganda : in English this usually has a negative connotation, referring to something that is biased.
https://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/propaganda

Perhaps "viewpoint". cf Martin Luther King "I have a dream ..." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gevdV4LvipQ

An Koo

->It is true that human-beings tend to react to what they learn about

-> I still believe that gaining knowledge of local history would be of benefit in developing a strong sense/feeling/concept of national identity and pride.

@ Jay:

why the second world war was broke out.

@ Sarah:

1) "the global connections" -> "global connections": if you mean global connections in general, then no article. If you write "the global connections", the reader is left wondering which global connections are you referring to, as none have been mentioned so far.

2) With ..... VERB+ing ->
With the global connections between counties becoming ...

3) "closer connections" is more common than "tighter connections"

4) https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=a+great+*+of+people&year_start=1900&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t2%3B%2Ca%20great%20%2A%20of%20people%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Ba%20great%20number%20of%20people%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Ba%20great%20concourse%20of%20people%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Ba%20great%20crowd%20of%20people%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Ba%20great%20multitude%20of%20people%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Ba%20great%20mass%20of%20people%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Ba%20great%20variety%20of%20people%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Ba%20great%20throng%20of%20people%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Ba%20great%20company%20of%20people%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Ba%20great%20body%20of%20people%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Ba%20great%20majority%20of%20people%3B%2Cc0

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=a+great+amount+of+*&year_start=1900&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t2%3B%2Ca%20great%20amount%20of%20%2A%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Ba%20great%20amount%20of%20time%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Ba%20great%20amount%20of%20work%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Ba%20great%20amount%20of%20money%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Ba%20great%20amount%20of%20information%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Ba%20great%20amount%20of%20the%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Ba%20great%20amount%20of%20heat%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Ba%20great%20amount%20of%20energy%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Ba%20great%20amount%20of%20good%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Ba%20great%20amount%20of%20material%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Ba%20great%20amount%20of%20attention%3B%2Cc0

"a great number of" is followed by a countable noun.
"a great amount of" is followed by an uncountable noun.

5) ...a great number of people are starting to ....

6) see grammar around "insist":
https://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/insist

-> I really insist on that ...

Teaching literature to the youth is vital for any nation, as it shapes the attitude of the youth towards his/her country. This also attracts a debate over literature to be imparted, which is the literature of home country or literature of other countries too. In my opinion, histories about other countries are equally important, but kids do not have developed skills due to which they should only study local literature in their starting stages of education.
Learning the history of the home country has several advantages. Firstly, the child gets to know how their country has travelled over the years with problems. Kids will study the iconic personalities of the past from their country and would start idealising them for the future, resulting in respect for their country. For example, research in America shows that a child will develop idealising persons according to the things he/she sees or study. Secondly, the study of local history will help in connecting youth with their parents and grandparents. They will be having a common topic to talk. Moreover, information addition will be provided by elder people, which may not be present in books because we know that books cannot cover everything.
On the contrary, world history is also important, but that should start after developing foreign language skills of a child. Because we know that, world history is mostly present in the English language, and in most of the nations, English is not their native language, due to which, there is a need to develop language skills of the kid.
To conclude, yes, world history is important for youth, but that study of other countries literature can pursue only after learning a foreign language, so kids should study local history until their primary education, and once equipped with the foreign language they should study world literature too.

Vishaal

yeah, i think it's better than the first. Direct and to the point.

Here are some minor changes (that i'd make),

It is said that learning our own nation’s history is more valuable than learning the history of foreign countries. While I agree with the idea that studying local history is essential, I believe that we should give equal importance to learning the world's history.

further improvements are welcome.

so the next time, don't make things up in your introduction. Just rewrite what's already there. Just paraphrase the question and give your opinion and you'll be done with the introduction in no time.

@Kata,
Thank you.

It is often argued that learning local history is more essential than studying foreign history. While I agree that local history should be studied in the first place, I believe that foreign history should not be disregarded.

There are several reasons why people might argue that studying local history is important. Firstly, local history teaches us who we are, where we come from, and reveals where we want to go. In addition to bring clarity to our understanding about who we are, studying history helps us to know how families, groups and institutions were established in the country. For many people, studying the history of one's own family is the most obvious use of history, for it provides facts about genealogy and a fundamental for understanding how the family has adapted to the larger historical change. Finally, learning own history allows us do not repeat the faults of the past and build a just and thriving community.

In spite of the above arguments, I support the view that foreign history is as much important as local history and should not be ignored. The main benefit of learning foreign history is that it can provide an access to the additional study resources about local history. For example, some uncertain facts regarding building techniques and methods of the ancient Mesoamerican pyramids have been revealed after detailed analysis of Egyptian symbols. In my view, it is important for all nations to arrange collaborative studies and share their library resources among historians.

In conclusion, local history should certainly be studied deeply before moving to learning foreign cultures’ history.

@ Sarah

exchange this information

After becoming familiar with

afraid of strangers or new faces

they may feel better disposed to you

Knowing the local culture (singular)

In conclusion, we must all develop an in-depth knowledge ...

"Culture" is only plural if talking about several countries. "Customs" is often plural eg local culture / local customs

@ ilkin

https://www.google.com/search?tbo=p&tbm=bks&q=%22to+not+repeat+the+mistakes%22&num=10

is just as important as

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=provide+an+access+to%2Cprovide+access+to&year_start=1900&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Cprovide%20an%20access%20to%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cprovide%20access%20to%3B%2Cc0

There are three possible answers to this question:

A) local stuff is more important (for "national identity")

B) foreign stuff is more important (because of globalization)

C) it does not matter either way (children need to learn research and evaluation skills, the topic is unimportant)

D) children should not be learning "history" or "culture" at all, there are other far more important items, such as the environment.

The trouble with "a sense of national identity" is that it accentuates differences and sets up the partisan psychological attitudes and thinking that can be used to support a war. Nationalistic propaganda is an essential precursor to war. North Korea might be an example of this.

There seems to be more logic in the other responses, and we need a logical progression in our answer.

That was four !

Perhaps the underlying reason for Brexit is that English children are not taught European history and culture.

It is often argued that learning local literature is more essential rather than studying foreign literature. While I agree that local literature should be taught in the first place, I believe that foreign literature should not be disregarded.

There are several reasons why people might argue that learning the literature of their own country is important. Firstly, it facilitates to identify local themes, languages, creeds, settings, cultures and lifestyles, as well as national issues and perspectives. Many communications problems that occur nowadays are associated with young adults not spending enough time reading local literature. Secondly, learning local literature is an excellent way to associate oneself with the great minds of country’s history and peer into their own thoughts. Finally, being familiar with masterpieces of own country’s literature also let people worthily represent the nation at all international forums.

On the other hand, I also support the view that foreign literature is just as important as local literature and should not be ignored. The main benefit of reading foreign literature is that it provide access to the various literary movements of different countries and helps to compare different cultures. In my case, having the opportunity to read some novels written in the nineteen century in three different languages has helped me to find similarities and trends in three different cultures, and to also find that although literature varies in its form and content, it is important and it is a central part of many lives.

In conclusion, local literature should certainly be studies deeply as it serves as a way to enrich our minds and knowledge about local issues. Simultaneously, the importance of foreign languages and literature should not be ignored since they are the best key to dive into the deep of each culture.

@ ilkin

1) "essential" seems to be a non-gradable adjective; that is, it is either true or untrue, and very seldom used with more/most.

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=more+important%2C+more+essential&year_start=1800&year_end=2000&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Cmore%20important%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cmore%20essential%3B%2Cc0

http://random-idea-english.blogspot.com/2012/02/gradable-and-ungradable-adjectives.html

2) it facilitates identifying:

https://www.google.com/search?lr=lang_en&tbs=lr%3Alang_1en&tbm=bks&ei=A5eBW7bOOcqtoASPwq6gDA&q=%22it+facilitates+identifying%22&oq=%22it+facilitates+identifying%22&gs_l=psy-ab.3...507659.522321.0.522578.54.47.6.0.0.0.363.7559.0j21j11j3.35.0....0...1c.1.64.psy-ab..22.8.1191...0j0i10k1j33i10k1.0.76gZEOtrA8k

3) -> Many communication problems (no 's')

4) https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=problems+stem+from%2Cproblems+are+associated+with%2Cproblems+arise+from%2Cproblems+are+caused+by%2Cproblems+are+created+by%2Cproblems+are+related+to&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Cproblems%20stem%20from%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cproblems%20are%20associated%20with%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cproblems%20arise%20from%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cproblems%20are%20caused%20by%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cproblems%20are%20created%20by%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cproblems%20are%20related%20to%3B%2Cc0

5) to associate oneself with the great minds of country’s history -> to understand the great minds (in the history) of one's own country

6) masterpieces of own country’s literature -> national literary masterpieces/treasures

7) -> it forms an important and central part of many people's lives

8) local literature should certainly be studied

9) "Simultaneously" is not used as a linking adverb: use "at the same time":

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=Simultaneously+%26%2344%3B%2C+At+the+same+time+%26%2344%3B&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2CSimultaneously%20%2C%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2CAt%20the%20same%20time%20%2C%3B%2Cc0

https://www.google.com/search?q=%22simultaneously%20%26%2344%3B%22&tbm=bks&lr=lang_en

10) -> they are the key to an in-depth understanding of foreign cultures

@ilkin

re:(5) ... to gain an insight into the thinking of some of the great minds of one's own culture.

@Kata
Thank you very much!
Your support is irreplacable!

@ilkin

'c' followed by 'a','o','u' sounds like 'k'
'c' followed by 'e' or 'i' sounds like 's'

-> irreplaceable
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2EwViQxSJJQ

@gigi
Thank you,
Most probably, these kind of spelling mistakes force down my score to 6.5

Native customs play an essential role in forming a person's identity and characteristic, while nowadays some believe that foreign history should be paid more attention than that of our own, with which I disagree.

One noteworthy reason is that a comprehensive grasp of our nation's past contributes to a better understanding of our own culture, which enables us to get along well with people around us and to communicate with the elders more effectively. Furthermore, experience on addressing problems that used to occur in our race will be gained from the history we read and faults are expected to be avoided when we encounter the same situation with our ancients, owing to which time will be saved for people to fulfill themselves. Some other benefits that learning more local histories bring to us are that it fosters a strong sense of national identity for citizens, unites people to protect our own profits and gives a boost to the establishment of our society.

Misunderstanding about the belonging might be caused if we were exposed to more foreign customs and it would also lead to confusion about our standpoint in international affairs, which, as a consequence, would trigger severe problems on territory defense, for example。

As all the above concerned, I reckon that we are supposed to learn more about native cultures than foreign histories.

**I corrected some grammar mistakes. Would someone be kind enough to provide some advice on it? THX a lot in advance!

Native customs play an essential role in forming a person's identity and characteristic, while nowadays some believe that the history of other nations should attract more attention than that of our own, with which I disagree.

One noteworthy reason is that a comprehensive grasp of our nation's past contributes to a better understanding of our own culture, which enables us to get along well with people around us and to communicate with the elders more effectively. Furthermore, it promotes to gain experience on addressing problems that used to occur in our race from the history we read, and prohibit faults when we encounter the same situation with our ancients, owing to which time will be saved for people to fulfill themselves. Some other benefits of learning more local histories are that it fosters a strong sense of national identity for citizens, unites people to protect our profits and gives a boost to the establishment of our society.

Misunderstanding about the belonging might rise if we were exposed to more foreign customs and it would also lead to confusion about our standpoint in international affairs, which, as a consequence, would probably trigger severe problems on territory defense。

As all the above concerned, I reckon that we are supposed to learn more about native cultures than foreign cultures.

A recent survey shows that in many countries across the world, people are generally living longer. but an increased life expectancy has many implications for the aging individuals and for the society as a whole. What are the possible effects of a longer life expectancy on individuals and the society?

In this day and age, because of the improvement of living conditions and the development of medical technology, human beings can live longer. Consequently, more and more people begin to be concern about the effects on individuals and our community from the obvious increase in human being's lifespan.

In terms of the influence on individuals, to some extent, living longer means the retirement age would be extended. As today's people are more vigorous and have better physical ability to handle various problems in their lives than old generations, it is natural for governments to elongate the age of the retirement. For instance, due to the trend of the ageing and people living longer, the Chinese government added five years to individuals' retirement age since 2010. Now the legal retirement age of males and females are 65 and 60 in China.

From the perspective of our society, the biggest challenge which increasingly long human lifespan causes would be the high unemployment rate among young people and the possibility of the increase in the crime rate. The side effect of prolonged retirement age would be that massive young people would have few chances to find a job due to the situation that there will be not enough job vacancies. Furthermore, if young adults cannot find a job to make money to raise their own family, it would be a greater chance for them to seek irregular channels or even illegal ways to make money, after all, they are energetic and shoulder a huge responsibility to raise their family.

In conclusion, prolonged life expectancy would urge authorities to extend the age of the retirement, as a result, an increasing number of young adults would struggle to get a job, which could raise the unemployment rate and crime rate in the group of young people.

(301 words)

Whaly

1) "While" in sense of "although" usually comes at the start of a sentence. The two propositions in your introduction are too disconnected or disjointed, and your stance is unclear at this stage. Which of the two do you disagree with?

You might like to rewrite as two separate sentences:
It is true that ...
I believe that ...

2) Writing a good essay is partly about coming up with good strong ideas and examples in the first place. Otherwise your essay will sound wishy-washy, or ramble on without having a solid logical progression, or proper supporting examples.

Local culture around the world is sometimes vicious and sick: children are mutilated, beaten, women forced into suicide, young men sacrificed, and so on. Arguably, even shaking hands just spreads disease, and going to school is more about shutting down your creativity and destroying your self-esteem than anything else. Sometimes local culture is harmless: whether your village shakes hands with your left and the next village with their right really does not matter. Local culture is not automatically good per se.

One of the pitfalls with Task 2 is to end up writing an essay in very abstract terms, which entails more difficult vocabulary. Sometimes it is better to come up with concrete examples and build your argument on them. The previous paragraph is argued like this.

Recently Simon built an essay around two ideas and adjectives: impractical and unnecessary. Perhaps we could build this essay around "useful" and, er, "objectively evaluated", "skill-oriented" or something.

Education is no longer simply about passing on a body of knowledge from one generation to the next: knowledge is out there on the internet and books, freely available to all and sundry. Today education is about developing the skills our children need to survive in an uncertain future. They need to learn to think for themselves, to come up with solutions, and to distinguish news from fake news, the whole truth from truth, fake promises from real action. For example, looking at the history of Ireland, one needs to take, not a partisan approach to the role of religion, but an objective look at not only its benefits but also take into account the spin-off conflict, killings, and abuse that have occurred.

he li

1) ....individuals and the society? Why "the"? Where did you get this question from?

2) -> human beings are living longer.
Consequently, more and more people are becoming concerned about

3) -> in human lifespan

4) -> As older people are more vigorous, active, and able to live independently than previous generations, it is natural for governments to defer (push back) the age of the retirement.

5) -> For instance, due to increased life expectancy, the Chinese government has added five years to the official retirement age since 2010. (present perfect with 'since')

6) -> In China the legal retirement age for males and females is now 65 and 60 respectively.

7) "From the perspective of our society": not on Google Books, and does it actually mean anything?

8) the biggest challenge brought by longer life expectancies would be .. ('brought' here acts like an adjective)

9) the possibility of an increase

10) The side effect of later retirement would be that a massive number of young people ...

11) -> due to the lack of job vacancies.

12) ... prolonged life expectancy would force authorities ... and as a result, an increasing ...

he li
re (11) better: due to a dearth/lack of job opportunities

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=a+lack+of+job+*%2C+a+dearth+of+job+*&year_start=1800&year_end=2000&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t2%3B%2Ca%20lack%20of%20job%20%2A%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Ba%20lack%20of%20job%20opportunities%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Ba%20lack%20of%20job%20security%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Ba%20lack%20of%20job%20satisfaction%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Ba%20lack%20of%20job%20skills%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Ba%20lack%20of%20job%20training%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Ca%20dearth%20of%20job%20opportunities%3B%2Cc0

@Beyonce

Thank you again for your useful review.I know clearly where I need to improve now.

Best regards,
Whaly

Some people believe that it is more important to teach children the literature of their own country, rather than that of other countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is argued that more emphasis should be given on teaching children their own country's literature. While I strongly agree that such argument is beneficial not just to kids but to the entire nation as a whole, there are other positive implications that are worth considering in learning other countries' literature.

LOCAL HISTORY ( AN ESSENTIAL PART OF SCHOOLING IN EDUCATION)
1. IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF CULTURAL IDENTITY
2. REALIZE WHAT THEIR ANCESDORS DID IN THE PAST
3. LEARN FROM THE HISTORY THAT CONTAINS WHOE ESSENCE OF WISDOM LEFT BY ELDERLY PEOPLE
4. EX, IN ANCIENT PERION OF CHINA, SEVERAL THOUGHTS AND STRAGETICS LEAD TO EITHER BIG TRIMUPH OR FAILURE, WHICH WOULD CERTAINLY PLAY A VITAL SORCE OF REFERENCE MATERIALS FOR NEXT GENERATIONS
5. SOME VALUABLE VIEWS OF ANCESTORS, LIKE ATTACHING DOING HARD WORKS , DOING ONE’S BEST AND TAKING PRIDE OF ONE’S BEST… SHOULD BE LEARNT BY YOUNGSTERS

FOREIGN HISTORY (RELETIVELY UNNECESSARY)
1. THESE HISTORICAL EVENTS HAPPENING ARE FAR AWAY FROM US
2. IN OTHER WORDS,IS HARD TO GET TO UNDSTAND
3. IN ADDITION, SOME HISTORIES ARE REPORTED FASELY, WHICH MAY MISLEAD READERS
4. WHEN SOME COMFLICTS ARE PROVOCKED BY MISUNDERSTANDING OR ONE ANOTHER THROUGH FALSE REPORTERS, PEOPLE WOULD DEFENITELY CAUSE MORE FIGHTS.
5. HENCE, IN MY VIEW, A BETTER WAY TO LEARN FOREIGN HISTORYS IS ENCOURAGE HUMAN BEINGS TO VISIT THESE HISTORICAL SITES IN PERSON WITH THE PRINTED HISTORY BOOKS.

@ lewis

Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.


@ Bogdan

Thank you.

Undeniably, literature and history of the native country give identity, helps unify people as well. Some echelons opine that these curriculums are imperative to educate adolescent about their nations instead of foreign ones. I consummately accord with this notion.

@Khush

1) To me, your choice of vocabulary is too weird, and sounds unnatural. Band 9 uses the phrase 'very natural', and Band 8 talks about 'occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation'. This means it is more about using the right phrase for the context and genre, than simply tossing in less common words.

2) The graph below shows that 'undeniably' is seldom used at the start of a sentence, where it blocks the flow. So either:
Literature and history... undeniably give...
OR: There is no doubt that literature .....

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=_START_+Undeniably+%26%2344%3B%2Cundeniably%2C_START_+There+is+no+doubt+&year_start=1800&year_end=2000&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2C_START_%20Undeniably%20%2C%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cundeniably%3B%2Cc0

3) It is actually not literature and history, but familiarity with them.

4) -> of one's own country

5) Perhaps something like:
There is no doubt that a sound knowledge of one's own cultural heritage helps to provide a sense of belonging, of nationhood, and of one's place in the grander scheme of things.

6) "some echelons opine": this phrase does not come up on Google books. I appreciate that you are trying to get away from 'some people think' but the result is just not natural English. The fact that you know some less common words is not enough: you have to know in what context to use them. Otherwise your writing will immediately fall into Band 6 for vocabulary: 'attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy'.
Better to join your last two sentences together and simply start: I believe that ...

7) 'these curriculums': curricula as the plural is still more common. The reference back to 'literature and history' did not work for me. -> I believe they (local history/literature) should form part of the national school curriculum, in preference to overseas culture.

8) 'consummately accord with': does not appear on Google books. I believe this phrase would drag your score down, as it reveals a lack of knowledge as to what normal English is. -> I totally agree...

9) This paragraph might work better if the subject was changed to 'the national school curriculum'. -> There is no doubt that the national school curriculum should focus on local and national, as opposed to foreign, literature and history. It is essential to create a sense of national identity and belonging to anchor developing teenagers.

10) The main point is that, in general, if a phrase cannot be found on Google books, then it is not safe to use it in IELTS. So check first before using unfamiliar phrases.

hi
Here is my introduction:

Some people say that pupils should learn their own country's history instead of foreign history. However, From my point of view, both local and foreign history is important. Students should study equally well rather than bias one.

Is that ok?

-> However, in my view both local and foreign history are important. Students should study them both equally well rather than being biased toward one or the other.

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