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Thursday, May 03, 2018

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As can be seen from the graph, it is clearly evident that the number of participants at hospital emergency care departments in this country witnessed a slight increase all over the age groups. While the number of people in 75 and over aged group was at the highest point, that in group of 5 to 15 years old stood in the lowest point over the time frame.

Hoa:

"all over the age groups" does not come up on google books. See:
https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=in+each+category%2Cin+every+category%2Cin+every+age+group%2Cin+each+age+cohort%2Cin+every+cohort%2Cacross-the-board%2C+all+over+the+age+groups&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Cin%20each%20category%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cin%20every%20category%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cin%20every%20age%20group%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cin%20each%20age%20cohort%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cin%20every%20cohort%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cacross%20-%20the%20-%20board%3B%2Cc0

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=*+the+highest+incidence%2C+had+the+highest+incidence%2C+was+at+the+highest+point&year_start=1800&year_end=2000&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t2%3B%2C%2A%20the%20highest%20incidence%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bwith%20the%20highest%20incidence%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bhave%20the%20highest%20incidence%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bthat%20the%20highest%20incidence%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bhad%20the%20highest%20incidence%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bhas%20the%20highest%20incidence%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Band%20the%20highest%20incidence%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bshowed%20the%20highest%20incidence%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bshow%20the%20highest%20incidence%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bfound%20the%20highest%20incidence%3B%2Cc0%3B%3B_START_%20the%20highest%20incidence%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Chad%20the%20highest%20incidence%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cwas%20at%20the%20highest%20point%3B%2Cc0

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=stood+at+*+lowest+point%2Cstood+in+the+lowest+point%2Cover+the+time+frame%2Cacross+the+time+frame%2Cthroughout+the+time+frame%2Cin+both+months&year_start=1900&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t2%3B%2Cstood%20at%20%2A%20lowest%20point%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bstood%20at%20the%20lowest%20point%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bstood%20at%20its%20lowest%20point%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cover%20the%20time%20frame%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cacross%20the%20time%20frame%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cthroughout%20the%20time%20frame%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cin%20both%20months%3B%2Cc0

->The number of people in 75 and over age group had the highest incidence of visits across the time frame, while those in the of 5 to 15 year old group/category/cohort had the least .

correction:in the of 5 to 15 year old

Hi Fruzsi,

Thanks for helping me. That was so useful. I always have troubles with paraphrasing, for example with "age group". Do you have any advice on how to mention these age group?

It is clear that the number of attendances at a hospital in December 2017 was higher than December 2016 for all age groups. People in the age of 75 and over were the most visitors’ emergency care, while the figures for the age of less than five was the lowest.

@Hoa:

The most common way to refer to each age bracket is:
5-15 age group, 16-44 age group, over 75 age group, and so forth.

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=over+75+age+group%2Cto+15+age+group%2Cfive+to+fifteen+year%2C20-24+year+age+*%2C15-19+year+age+*%2C*+age+bracket&year_start=1800&year_end=2000&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Cover%2075%20age%20group%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cto%2015%20age%20group%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cfive%20to%20fifteen%20year%3B%2Cc0%3B.t2%3B%2C20-24%20year%20age%20%2A%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3B20-24%20year%20age%20group%3B%2Cc0%3B%3B20-24%20year%20age%20groups%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2C15-19%20year%20age%20group%3B%2Cc0%3B.t2%3B%2C%2A%20age%20bracket%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bthe%20age%20bracket%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bthis%20age%20bracket%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Byear%20age%20bracket%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bsame%20age%20bracket%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bthat%20age%20bracket%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Beach%20age%20bracket%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bold%20age%20bracket%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bolder%20age%20bracket%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bevery%20age%20bracket%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Ban%20age%20bracket%3B%2Cc0

There are less common alternatives to "age group", such as "age bracket". "Age cohort" sounds scientific, and "age sector" would be best applied to a pie chart.

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=age+group%2Cage-group%2Cage+cohort%2Cage-cohort%2Cage+category%2Cage-category%2Cage+segment%2Cage+sector%2C+age+bracket&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Cage%20group%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cage%20-%20group%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cage%20cohort%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cage%20-%20cohort%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cage%20category%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cage%20-%20category%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cage%20segment%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cage%20sector%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cage%20bracket%3B%2Cc0

@Fruzsi: Thank you so much :)

In overall, there was an increase in the proportion of patients in December 2016 compared with December 2017 among all of the age groups. The infants and elderlies suffered delicately illness than the other groups.

Overall, there was an slight increase in proportion of patients who went for a visit in the ER department from the December of 2017 than the ones recorded from December of 2016. Although all the age categories had an increase number, the same pattern had been seen between both months wherein the oldest and the youngest age cohorts had the vast majority of visits recorded and the ones belonging to the 5-15 age division had the fewest in number.

Common terminology:

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=at+A+%26+E%2Cat+ER%2CA+%26+E+*%2C*+to+A+%26+E%2C*+A+%26+E&year_start=1960&year_end=2000&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Cat%20A%20%26%20E%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cat%20ER%3B%2Cc0%3B.t2%3B%2CA%20%26%20E%20%2A%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3BA%20%26%20E%20department%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BA%20%26%20E%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BA%20%26%20E%20and%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BA%20%26%20E%20%27s%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BA%20%26%20E%20Department%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BA%20%26%20E%20nurse%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BA%20%26%20E%20firm%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BA%20%26%20E%20staff%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BA%20%26%20E%20services%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BA%20%26%20E%20Television%3B%2Cc0%3B.t2%3B%2C%2A%20to%20A%20%26%20E%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bbrought%20to%20A%20%26%20E%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bpresent%20to%20A%20%26%20E%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bpresented%20to%20A%20%26%20E%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bgo%20to%20A%20%26%20E%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Badmitted%20to%20A%20%26%20E%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bpresents%20to%20A%20%26%20E%3B%2Cc0%3B.t2%3B%2C%2A%20A%20%26%20E%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bthe%20A%20%26%20E%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bin%20A%20%26%20E%3B%2Cc0%3B%3B_START_%20A%20%26%20E%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bof%20A%20%26%20E%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Ban%20A%20%26%20E%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bto%20A%20%26%20E%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Band%20A%20%26%20E%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bfor%20A%20%26%20E%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BThe%20A%20%26%20E%3B%2Cc0%3B%3BSoftware%20A%20%26%20E%3B%2Cc0

Note that it is usually "A & E department" but "ER" stands for "emergency room" so is not followed by "department".

"Attendances" seems to refer to people who turn up at A & E for assessment; they are not "patients" or "participants" at that stage, merely "people presenting themselves" at A & E. "Attendances" seems to be the technical word for this. There is one use of "presentations" on Google books here:

https://www.google.com/search?tbm=bks&ei=nt3rWp72Ksv88gXloLt4&q=%22presentations+at+A+%26+E%22&oq=%22presentations+at+A+%26+E%22&gs_l=psy-ab.12...5792.8536.0.11198.2.2.0.0.0.0.197.385.0j2.2.0....0...1c.1.64.psy-ab..0.0.0....0.ILADfKTcR3I

"Admissions" would be entirely wrong, as many are treated as outpatients without being admitted, which in this context means being given a bed and an overnight stay, I think.

"Visitors", in the context of hospitalization, generally means friends and family coming to sit by your bedside, so it would be confusing to use this word to refer to prospective patients of any ilk.

Useful vocabulary:

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=frequency%2Cincidence%2Coftenness%2Cprevalence%2Ccommonness&year_start=1900&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Cfrequency%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cincidence%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Coftenness%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cprevalence%3

" People in the age of 75 and over were the most visitors’ emergency care," -> People in the over 75 age group were the most frequent attendees for emergency care, ...
OR
The over-75 category had the highest incidence of presentations for emergency care, while the frequency for under-5s was the lowest.

"In overall, there was an increase in the proportion of patients": no, "proportion" is more suitable for pie-charts, here we are looking at "often-ness" -> In Overall, there was an increase in the frequency of attendances/presentations ...
OR
... there was an uptick in ER presentations/ in attendances at A & E Departments

"pattern had been seen"-> pattern can be seen


In December 2017, the number of visitors of each age cohort to emergency care departments was slightly higher than it was a year earlier. It is also clear that overall older people constitute a larger percentage of visitors, with people aged 75 and over attending emergency care departments the most.

The chart illustrates the apparent ratio of different attendances' range age in emergency care department in Northern Ireland in the period of December 2016 and 2017.
Overall, It is obviously shown that despite of a little bit higher in ratio, the partent of recorded ratio in 2017 is quite similar to its in 2016. While elderly people over 75 years old is the group that have the highest attendancy results, children from 5 to 15 years old is the lowest ratio group.

In an overview, do we really wish to specify the exact age ranges? Why not regard that as detail for a later paragraph?
Instead, we could simply talk about "the very young", or "young children", or "preschoolers"; and then "the elderly", or "the very elderly". Or talk about attendees "at both ends of the age spectrum", "at either end of the age spectrum", "at both extremes of the age spectrum". See below.

The sentence dealing with the year-on-year comparison, need only mention an "uptick", an "upward trend", or "registered a slight year-on-year increase". It is after all, an overview, giving an introductory picture, and unnecessary detail is to be avoided.

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=*+of+the+age+spectrum&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t2%3B%2C%2A%20of%20the%20age%20spectrum%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bend%20of%20the%20age%20spectrum%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bends%20of%20the%20age%20spectrum%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bextremes%20of%20the%20age%20spectrum%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bextreme%20of%20the%20age%20spectrum%3B%2Cc0

The other idea that needs to go in the overview is that the "overall pattern of results in terms of age distribution" is much the same.

Another possibility is to use the phrase "age profile", as in "the age profile of ER attendees showed no change year-on-year"; or there was almost no change in the age profile of those presenting themselves at ER.

https://www.google.com/search?q=%22age%20profile%22&tbm=bks&lr=lang_en

It seems to me that "trend" is more often used to refer to changes over time, and that "distribution" is more appropriate for the pattern of results, or the spread of results across the various age cohorts. I would therefore suggest that what Simon really meant in the instructions given was:

- One sentence describing the overall year-on-year trend as evidenced by the two months (the blue and green bars).
- One sentence comparing changes in the general distribution by age group.

Obviously, a period of one year from December 2016 until December 2017 is observed upward trend in the need for hospital service whereas the number of people who aged 75 and over responsible for most of attendence at emergency care.

@yeti

I would avoid "obviously" in Task 2: it can sound condescending. "It is clear that" is a safer phrase.

-> It is clear that there was an upward trend in the demand for ER/A&E services ....

"whereas" is inappropriate here as we are not comparing similar results. Use a new sentence:
-> the number of People who aged 75 and over had the highest number of attendances at emergency care.

OR

The highest incidence of attendances at emergency care was by people in the 75+ category.

It is clear that December 2017 saw a higher attendance at emergency departments than the same month in 2016 in all age groups. Furthermore, people aged 75 or above and children aged under 5 accounted for the highest figures in the chart.

Overall, it is clear that the number of attendances of all age groups at hospital emergency care departments in Northern Ireland in the December 2017 were higher than that of 2018. Moreover, Both trends of these 2 years were unpredictable.

@ Chutiphon Moranon

"Moreover" is used to support and extend the same point, whereas not to make a new point.

https://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/moreover

Your second point should refer to the age distribution or pattern of attendances, not trend. In fact the point to make is that "the age profile of attendees was very similar in both years".

Overall, more people attended at hospital emergency care departments in December 2017 than they did one year before. At the same time, the elders had the highest rate of attending at these departments while children aged 5-15 maintained the lowest proportion.

Jeremy:

There is a difference in meaning between "the elders" and "the elderly":

https://www.google.com/search?tbo=p&tbm=bks&q=%22the+elders%22&num=10

https://www.google.com/search?tbo=p&tbm=bks&q=%22the+elderly%22&num=10

Whilst one needs to be careful with the word "elderly" as it can imply senility, or frailness, in the context of ER attendees it seems appropriate, and unexceptionable, and more precise than "older people" or some such PC phrase.

In English we attend an event (not "at" an event - that is a French-ism). If we attend an emergency care department, it might be construed as referring to staff in attendance and on duty there. So a more appropriate phrase would be "presented themselves ... for treatment".

"Proportion" is fine for pie-chart and tables, but here we are referring to incidence, or frequency.

It is clear that the number of attandances in December 2017 is slightly higher than the figure for this month last year for all age groups. People fell into the group of 75 year-old or more receive the largest medical care and the children below five years old take the second position, whereas those between five and 15 accounted for the lowest figure.

@Fruzsi:

1. what's the difference between these two words?
Both of them can refer as old people.

2.so what's the meaning of "attendance" in the topic? I think the verb is "attend".

3.The vertical axis is "attendance per 1000-population", I think it is equal as percentage.

Overall, there was an increase in the number of people who seek emergency care over the given period. People who aged 75 and over were the frequent visitors, whereas those 15 and below were the least to seek medical attention.

@Jeremy

1) Yes both can refer to old people, but "elders" as a noun usually refers to leaders, who may not be 75+, mostly community or religious leaders, which does really fit the context, whereas "elderly" is more appropriate.

https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/elder#English
https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/elderly

2) "Attendance" has a special meaning (#3 on the link below) - "The frequency with which one has been present for a regular activity or set of events." The verb "attend" could equally apply to patients and staff alike. For example: there were three doctors attending to patients in ER.

https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/attendance
https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/attend

3) Per 1000 is per mil, or per thousand, whereas per 1000 is per cent: like there are 100 cents in a dollar.

https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/permille#English

correction: per 100 is per cent

Useful phrases:

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=*+visits+to+emergency+departments%2C*+in+emergency+departments%2C*+to+emergency+departments%2Cpatients+presenting+to+emergency+departments%2C*+visits+to+emergency+departments%2Cusing+emergency+departments%2Cattending+emergency+departments&year_start=1940&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t2%3B%2C%2A%20visits%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bof%20visits%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bmillion%20visits%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B.t2%3B%2C%2A%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bseen%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Btreated%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bused%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bpatients%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bcare%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bworking%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bwork%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Btreatment%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Band%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bavailable%20in%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B.t2%3B%2C%2A%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bvisits%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bpresenting%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bpresent%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bcome%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Badmitted%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bpresentations%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cpatients%20presenting%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B.t2%3B%2C%2A%20visits%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bof%20visits%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bmillion%20visits%20to%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cusing%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cattending%20emergency%20departments%3B%2Cc0

It is clear that the figures for patients on December 2017 was higher than the ones on a December 2016.Also while the number of people in the group of 75 and over was attended to be the most, the opposite was true for the group of 5-15 over the period shown.

@Lucy

"the figures .... was were higher"

"the number of people ... was who attended to be was the most"

To everyone.
I would appreciate your corrections in my writing.

The chart illustrates the percentage of population visiting the Emergency care Department in northern Ireland by Age group in December 2016 and December 2017.

It is noticeable that the number of People visiting the Emergency care department in the month of December 2016 and December 2017 had slightly raised in all age group.People ages from 75 years and above showed with the highest percentile rate of visit compared to people ages from 5-15 years age group with the lowest percentile rate among all age group.

Looking at the Chart closely,we can see that the
age group from 5- 15 years, 15- 44 years, and 44- 74 years had almost the same percentile rate of approximately 40 percent.On the other hand the Age group of under 5 years and 75 years and above had the highest percentile rate visiting the Emergency Care Department of approximately 60 percent and 70 percent respectively.

Overall,the number of visits of population on the same month of the two consecutive years had been increasing regardless of the age group.


Once again i would appreciate your comments or rather your corrections in my writing.
P.S this is my first essay writing for task 1 academic IELTS as i am preparing for my exam.
I am only doing self review because i believe this site (ielts-simon.com.)could help me.
Thanks a lot! :)

@Janey

"there was ... who seek sought emergency care"

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=over+the+given+period%2Cover+the+period+given%2Cover+the+period+covered%2Cover+the+period+surveyed%2Cover+the+period+shown%2Cover+the+period+under+consideration%2Cover+the+period+under+review%2C+over+the+period+being+considered&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Cover%20the%20given%20period%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cover%20the%20period%20given%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cover%20the%20period%20covered%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cover%20the%20period%20surveyed%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cover%20the%20period%20shown%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cover%20the%20period%20under%20consideration%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cover%20the%20period%20under%20review%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cover%20the%20period%20being%20considered%3B%2Cc0

"over the given period": no, in fact it is not a contiguous/continuous period we are looking at: it is two separate months one year apart. The wording for this is "on a year-on-year basis"

https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/year-over-year

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=year-on-year%2C+year-over-year&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Cyear%20-%20on%20-%20year%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cyear%20-%20over%20-%20year%3B%2Cc0

https://www.google.com/search?tbm=bks&ei=I0XvWs-vIo3-0gTE7pHwCg&q=%22on+a+year-on-year+basis%22&oq=%22on+a+year-on-year+basis%22&gs_l=psy-ab.3...7364.10771.0.12796.2.2.0.0.0.0.190.378.0j2.2.0....0...1c.1.64.psy-ab..0.0.0....0.CiAqesR_yhQ

@mary

1) "The chart illustrates the percentage of population": firstly, it is not a percentage; it is per thousand, or per mil. Secondly, the figures represent the incidence of patient arrivals, not the number of patients. For example, in the 5-15 age group there were twenty arrivals per thousand. That could mean one person went twenty times in one month, twenty people went once each, or anywhere between these two extremes. So the opening sentence should start: The chart illustrates the incidence of patients visiting ....

@mary
1) "northern Ireland by Age group"-> Northern Ireland by age group: Northern Ireland is officially a country.

2) Capitalization: there are various nouns unnecessarily capitalized - People, Chart, Emergency, Age. Although this may be customary in some (Germanic ?) languages, it is no longer the practice in English.

3) ,compared to the previous year, the number of people... in December 2017 had was slightly raised across all age groups.

4) https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=the+month+of+December+2000%2Cin+December+2000&year_start=1800&year_end=2000&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Cthe%20month%20of%20December%202000%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cin%20December%202000%3B%2Cc0

@mary
5) People ages from 75 years and above -> Patients aged 75 and above

6) ..showed with the highest percentile rate incidence of visits

7) "Looking at the Chart closely,we can see that": redundant

8)-> The 5-15, 15-44, and 44-74 age groups all had similar rates of attendance, at approximately forty per thousand.

9) Your penultimate paragraph needs to state the comparisons more clearly: "the top two results far exceeded the rest", and so forth.

10) There needs to be a clear overview, either as the second paragraph or at the end. This needs to foreshadow the major trends and differences, but not state any actual figures. For example:

a) [comparing age profiles] In the two months under consideration, patient arrivals at both extremes of the age spectrum far exceeded the rest.

b) [outlining major trend] There was an uptick in arrivals across the board on a year-on-year basis.

Better: arrivals for patient at both extremes of the age spectrum far exceeded the rest.

Overall, the attendances of each age group at emergency care departments in 2017 was higher than its counterpart in 2016. Meanwhile, those who aged 75 or over recorded a higher visiting number when compared with that of other age groups.

@Kata
Thank you

@Vickie

1) " attendances of each age group": this phrase does not crop up on Google books at all, but see this link with "for":

https://www.google.com/search?biw=1222&bih=958&tbm=bks&ei=ad7vWtfDB8zM0ASlqrywDQ&q=%22attendances+for+each+age+group%22&oq=%22attendances+for+each+age+group%22&gs_l=psy-ab.12...16947.18170.0.20326.5.5.0.0.0.0.199.579.0j3.3.0....0...1c.1.64.psy-ab..2.0.0....0.cSusIm0bD70

Alternative wording in point (10) above.

2) Either "those aged 75.." or "who were aged"

3) a higher visiting number-> a higher number of visits

4) when compared with that of -> than other age groups

5) "Meanwhile": in my view, superfluous here. Brit Council warn against starting every sentence with a linking adverb. "Don't over-use..."
https://takeielts.britishcouncil.org/sites/default/files/IELTS%20Writing-%20Coherence%20&%20Cohesion.pdf

thank you so much @kata it your correction is a big help to me. i reaaly appreciate it..

It is clear that there was a slight increase of the visits of all age categories from December 2016 to December 2017. Overall, the figure for visitors aged 75 and more was the highest of all others.

@Melisa
"Increase", "decrease", "rise", "fall", "decline", "growth", "peak" etc are often followed by "in", rather than "of", when describing statistics.

So it should be "a slight increase in the number of visits...".

But "of" is also used as follows: there was an increase of 2% in the number of visits. Alternatively, there was a 2% increase in the number of visits.

https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/uptick

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=increase_NOUN+in%2Cincrease_NOUN+of%2Cdecrease_NOUN+in%2Cdecrease_NOUN+of%2Crise_NOUN+in%2Crise_NOUN+of%2Cfall_NOUN+in%2Cfall_NOUN+of%2Cdecline+in%2Cdecline+of%2Cgrowth+in%2Cgrowth+of%2C+uptick+in&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Cincrease_NOUN%20in%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cincrease_NOUN%20of%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cdecrease_NOUN%20in%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cdecrease_NOUN%20of%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Crise_NOUN%20in%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Crise_NOUN%20of%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cfall_NOUN%20in%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cfall_NOUN%20of%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cdecline%20in%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cdecline%20of%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cgrowth%20in%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cgrowth%20of%3B%2Cc0

The difference in usage:
"The rise of communism in the early part of the twentieth century"
"The rise in the number of communists in the early part of the twentieth century".

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=the+rise+in+*+numbers%2Crise+in+the+number+of%2C+rise+of+communism%2C+rise+of+consumerism%2C+rise+in+consumerism&year_start=1800&year_end=2000&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t2%3B%2Cthe%20rise%20in%20%2A%20numbers%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bthe%20rise%20in%20the%20numbers%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bthe%20rise%20in%20their%20numbers%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bthe%20rise%20in%20student%20numbers%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bthe%20rise%20in%20absolute%20numbers%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Crise%20in%20the%20number%20of%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Crise%20of%20communism%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Crise%20of%20consumerism%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Crise%20in%20consumerism%3B%2Cc0

thank you @kata

It is clear that there was a slight increase in the number of people who were at hospital emergency care department between December 2016 and 2017. Overview, the number of presentations of 75 aged and over group was much higher than those of other age categories.

@choi

I think you meant "overall", not "overview".

It is clear that the number of people attending at hospital emergency care section in December 2017 was slightly higher than that of attendants in 2016 for the six different age groups. While the highest figure for patients was witnessed in aged 75 and over group, those who in age between 5 to 15 was the lowest.


Please help me to check my content... I often write too much redundant while I was writing...

@Lewis

"attendants" would refer to members of the hospital staff. "Attendees" is generally used in the context of a conference or social function. AFAIK people who turn up at emergency departments are referred to as "patients", as in your last sentence. So why not just leave it out: higher than in 2016....

Thanks @M'ambo!

The amount of the attendances at hospital emergency care in Northern Ireland at December 2017 is higher than December 2016. The number of attendance at hospital emergency care in Northern Ireland the highest number is in the group of 75 years old and over. Also, the second highest group is the group of under 5 years old. As in the other group distributed evenly.

Overall, it is clear that attendences at emergency care departments had a slight growth in every age group. Also, people who are under 5 and 75 and over are seen to have significantly high attendance compared to those of other age groups.

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