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Thursday, April 26, 2018

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data
over aged seventy-five
lowest

1. increased
2. who aged 75 and over.
3. lowest

1 rose/ increased
2 who aged 75 and above
3 lowest

1. rose
2. aged 75 and over
3. lowest

1.rose/increased
2.aged above 75-year-olds
3.lowest/minimum

1. increased
2. aged 75 and above
3. lowest

1. increased
2. 75 and older, under 5, 16-44 and 45-64 age groups
3. lowest

1.increased
2. aged 75 and over
3. lowest

1.Increased/ was on the rise/ hightened

2. Aged 75 and more/ who were aged 75 and above

3. Lowest / minimum / least

1. increased
2. aged 75 and over
3.lowest

My answers are:
1. Increased.
2. Aged 75 and over.
3. Lowest

1- slightly differed
2- infants and over 74 year-old
3- lowest

1. increased
2. aged 75 and more
3. lowest

1)depicts or illustrates (could be either of them)
2)aged 75 and over
3)lowest

1. increased
2. Aged 75 and over
3 lowest

increased
over 75 years old
lowest

increased
over 75 & above
lowest

1....
2 aged 75& over
3 minimum

CORRECT ANSWERS FROM SIMON:

1. increased / rose
2. aged 75 and over
3. lowest

Here is my easy:
The bar chart indicates the change of the rate of hospital emergency attendances in Northern Ireland in all age groups between December 2016 and December 2017.
It is clear that the figures in graph surge gradually of attendances in the emergency care department from December 2016 to December 2017. In addition, the highest proportion of attendances is a group of aged 75 and over. In contrast, under 5-age group accounted for the lowest rate.
As can be seen the bar chart, the 75 and over age group chow a slightly upward trend, from about 65 in 2016 to 75 in 2017. By comparison, the under 5-age group which made up the second rate in all categories, providing approximately 51 in 2016 and 53 in 2017.
There were approximate proportions of 3 groups from age 16 to age 74, and showing an upward tendency between December 2016 to December 2017, for instance, that of 16-44 age group made up approximately 30 in 2016 and 31 in 2017. The percentage of last group, 5-15 age group, is the lowest number in all categories, accounted for about 21 in 2016 and 22 in 2017.
The graph illustrates that the attendances in emergency care department in Northern Ireland are not as optimistic as that of one year.

@Daisy
1) It is often better to rearrange the chart heading, rather than trying to substitute individual words.

http://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2018/01/ielts-writing-task-1-introduction-paraphrasing.html

http://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2015/05/ielts-writing-task-1-using-in-terms-of.html

Something like: The bar chart provides a breakdown/comparison by age cohort of .... for the final month of 2016 and 2017 in NI.

@Daisy
2) I would begin the overview paragraph with "Overall", just so it is clear to the examiner.

3) My latest approach is to look at similarities and differences. So I would have two sentences in the the overview:
[SIMILARITIES] In both years, attendances for the under-5 and over-75 cohorts were much higher than the rest.
[DIFFERENCES] In all age groups, the results for 2017 were slightly above those for the previous year.


@Daisy

4) I think we have to try and stand back and make sense of the figures: what are the salient features? Well, there is not much difference between the two years, in any category. They all seem to have risen by a small but not very significant amount. So the trend is upwards across the board, but in no way dramatic. I would make this the content of the third paragraph, that is, focusing on the year-on-year trend. There is not much to say here so it will be short.

5) The final paragraph would compare the various age cohorts, taking care to mention each cohort at least once, and making comparisons such as: the under-fives are roughly double the 5-15 category; and the over 75s are about twice as much as the preceding age group.

6) I must confess I struggled to read your detail paragraphs even once: all those numbers... I would suggest writing the detail paragraphs without numbers at first, and then sprinkle in a few important figures as needed.

Would be nice to see a revised version along these lines.

@Daisy

One other thing: the bandwidth of each category is not always the same: 0-5 is only five years, 5-15 is ten, 16-44 is 28 years, and so on. Whether this matters or not is worth considering.

I think this is another case where describing each category in turn leads to "mechanical" (and meaningless) descriptions. Every sentence needs to contain a comparison, and fill in the overall picture. If we begin with the smallest category, we can relate every other one to that: the next three are about a third more and the top two something like double.

@Daisy

Band 7 requires a paragraph which "presents a clear overview of main trends, differences or stages". So we need something like:

Overall, the results for the second year largely mirrored (were very similar to/showed little change compared to) the first year [ie SIMILARITIES] insofar as the pattern/distribution across the age groups was notably similar. The exception was that (with the exception of ..) there was a slight increase across the board/in every category.[ie DIFFERENCES/TREND]


The bar chart compares the number of emergency room check-ups under 6 different age groups between the Decembers of 2016 and 2017 in Northern Ireland.
Overall, both months of 2016 and 2017, people who age 75 and above had the highest attendance rate in the emergency room. This was followed closely by children under the age 5 and below. Patients who were under the age groups of 16 – 44, 45 – 64, and 65- 74 were ranked closely to each other. However, those children who belong to the age 5 -15 brackets had the least number of visits in both years.
In December 2016, people who age 75 and above had an over 60% attendance rate per 1000 population in the emergency department in Northern Ireland. This was followed by those belonging to the under 5 year old bracket with a slightly above 50% in attendance. While patients whose age belongs to the 16-44, 45-64 and 65-74 age group had an approximate 25 to 30% emergency case rate respectively. The least number of visits in the emergency room were those of the age 5-15 group which was just slightly over 20% in rating.
Going to the December of 2017, all the age groups gained an increase in attendance in emergency room visit, with the oldest age group still ranked first with a rate of around 70% of the population. This was still followed by the youngest group who had a slight increase from last year’s rating which was now slightly fewer than 60% in rating. The group ages between 16-44, 45-44, 65-74, and 5-15 all had an increase in ratings with those who were in the 5-15 age group still had the fewest visits that was now around 25% approximately while the 3 remaining groups had around 30% attendance rate respectively.

Please critique my interpretation of the posted bar chart. thank you

Chris:
1) The usual instructions for a graph or bar chart are:
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

It is important to only select the main features, otherwise there is real danger of falling into the trap of "recounting detail mechanically with no clear overview", which is only Band 5 for Task Achievement.

It is a good idea to put no figures or detail at all in the second "overview" paragraph. Take a look at Oleg's similarities vs differences approach somewhere above.

http://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2017/11/ielts-writing-task-1-a-more-general-overview.html

If you are seeking a Band 7, it is essential to "present a clear overview of main trends, differences or stages". Anything less than that is maximum Band 6. What are the main trends and differences here? Nothing else should be in the overview.

2) I do not see much in the way of comparisons in your detail paragraphs #3 and #4. Specifically we need comparisons between cohorts, and comparisons between the two years. What the exact percentages were should be seen as a side issue. There is no need to cite every last figure; they usually only ask for the main features.

3) Vocabulary: one can use age group/category/cohort/bracket, as "the 5-15 age cohort".
"patients whose age belongs to the" -> patients in the 5-15 age bracket/etc.

"A&E" dept = "ER" (Brit vs USA)

ratings <> rates: ratings is usually the results of a survey (about films or similar)

4) Grammar:
"While patients whose age belongs to the 16-44, 45-64 and 65-74 age group had an approximate 25 to 30% emergency case rate respectively." "While" is not the same as "however": it introduces a subordinate clause, and an additional main clause is needed.

http://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2010/11/ielts-grammar-while-whilst-whereas-as.html

http://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2010/11/ielts-grammar-however-and-whereas.html

5) In my view, missing out on a Band 7 score in Task Achievement is a fatal error, which would drag the overall result down, no matter what the Task 2 score be.

@ sunita

Thank you.
Ill try again.

The bar chart provides information regarding the number of emergency room visits in Northern Ireland between Decembers of 2016 and 2017.
Overall, both Decembers of 2016 and 2017 showed a fluctuating upward trend in hospital visit. Although, the December of 2016 illustrated a more erratic trend from the middle brackets than those of 2017.
The percentage of ER case during December 2016 was about 50% from the under 5 year old category, then suddenly decreased to a lowest rate of about 21% from the 5-15 age division. However, the rate experienced an erratic increase from the 3 age groups ranging about 25 to 30% respectively, then the figure rocketed to a more than 60% visit from the oldest age category.
During the December of 2017, the number of cases catered at the ER department under age 5 bracket was approximately 47%, then it drastically diminished and hitting a low-point around below 25% from the 5-15 age cohort. However, the figure showed a steady increased in visit from those of the 3 groups and getting its peak of about 75% rate from the 75 and above age category.

please critique my task 1.

@Chris

Re overview: we need two sentences, one summarizing the year-on-year trend, and the other for the differences between cohorts. The first, something like: the second year shows a slight increase across the board/in all categories. The second: there was no change in the general breakdown of cases by age-bracket/distribution of cases across the age brackets.

Re detail paragraphs: the language in your submission is suitable for graphs with time series (ie years or months) along the x-axis, but here we have a distribution, at snapshot of a point in time, which is quite different.

So, echoing the overview, we first need a short paragraph giving more detail about the year-on-year trend: each category rose by a a few percent, suggesting an small upward trend overall.

Then a longer paragraph comparing cohorts, something like:
The smallest number of presentations was in the 5-15 age category, with an incidence of just over 20 attendances per thousand. The next three categories were a little larger... There were far more cases involving the very young/preschoolers and the elderly than any other....The bottom four categories were dwarfed by cases in the top two age cohorts. The 75+ age group was three times the smallest...

Anyway, that would be my approach. To me, it makes sense that the main features reported in the overview are supported with appropriately selected data in the detail paragraphs. Otherwise, we have randomly selected data, and a loss of logical cohesion between paragraphs in terms of content.

->by a few percent, suggesting a small ..

@sunita
Thanks again for give some advice. I will try to improve my work.
Thank you.

@Chris

To me, the way to approach detail comparisons is to make the comparison in words, and then tag on the detailed figures. This is almost repeating the information, but the words make the comparison and the figures provide the detail. So below are some formulaic example sentences for comparing two results:

At 67%, X was three times larger than Y, which was only 23%.

X was much larger than Y (67% compared to 23%).

https://www.google.com/search?q=%22percent%20compared%20to%22&tbm=bks&lr=lang_en

X far exceeded Y (67% versus 23%).

https://www.google.com/search?q=%22percent%20versus%22&tbm=bks&lr=lang_en&gws_rd=ssl

The incidence of X was much higher at 67%, compared with 23% for Y.

https://www.google.com/search?lr=lang_en&tbs=lr%3Alang_1en&tbm=bks&ei=99noWv-0O4GA8QWy_pmQDw&q=%22percent+vis-a-vis%22&oq=%22percent+vis-a-vis%22&gs_l=psy-ab.3...136622.143913.0.144762.11.10.1.0.0.0.204.1735.0j8j1.9.0....0...1c.1.64.psy-ab..1.0.0....0.adsrcrjL8N8

Hi Simon,

I have taken the IELTS three times during the last two months, and every time I got 6.5 in my writing and speaking. I really need 7 in each module. I think my test technique and vocabulary are ok but my grammar is weak. I am quite confused how many mistakes I can make if I aim at band 7 in writing? What is your suggestion to practice it?

@Vickie

The public version of Band 7 requires: "frequent error-free sentences". The exact number must be less than Band 8 "majority of sentences are error-free". The exact meaning of "frequent" and "majority" seems to be confidential.

My guess is that somewhere around half your sentences need to be error-free for Band 7. That means around 7 sentences in Task 2 will be error free and the other 7 may have a smallish error which does not impede the reader or affect the meaning.

It is essential to make sure you have no systemic errors such as with the way articles are used when making generalizations, or with singular/plural noun/verb agreement.

To some extent you can check your grammar with google books:

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=suggestion+to+practice%2Csuggestion+for+practice%2Csuggestions+for+practice%2Csuggestions+for+practicing%2Cpractice+suggestions&year_start=1900&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Csuggestion%20to%20practice%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Csuggestion%20for%20practice%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Csuggestions%20for%20practice%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Csuggestions%20for%20practicing%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cpractice%20suggestions%3B%2Cc0

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=quite+confused+how%2Cquite+confused+about+how&year_start=1800&year_end=2000&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Cquite%20confused%20about%20how%3B%2Cc0

However, it may be that there is something else wrong that you are unaware of. For example, sometimes there is an issue with executing Task 1 properly and this drops your overall score by that vital half-band. So the only solution might be to have your writing checked by a good teacher who is familiar with IELTS requirements.

1. slightly increased
2. whose above 75 years old
3. lowest

Hi Are there anyone can answer my simple question?

In the sentence -
The rate of hospital emergency care attendances in Northern Ireland _____ for all age groups between December 2016 and December 2017.

Hospital, emergency, care and attendances are all noun. Why they can put together without grammar-error.

Thanks
XX

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/grammar/british-grammar/about-nouns/nouns-compound-nouns

@Fruzsi

thank you for your reply

1.increased 2. aged 75 and over 3.lowest

My essay
The figures below shows the number of population visited the emergency Care Department in December 2016 and December 2017 by age group in Northern Ireland.
It is clearly shown in the bar chart that there was an increase in the number of population who visited the emergency care department in Northern Ireland in all age group. Among all the age group who visited the emergency care unit, patient aged 75 and above has the highest rate followed by the patients under 5 years of age.
As we can observe, the age group of aged 75 years and age group under 5 years, remained to have the highest rate of approximately 5 thousand to 10 thousand of visits respectively per year. On the other hand age group from 5 years to 74 years remained to have less number of visits by less than 40 thousand particularly the age group of 5 years to 15 years with the lowest number of visits and with the slightest in increase of visits in the Emergency care department in December 2016 and December 2017.

Please feel free to give corrections. thanks!

cont.
Overall, the chart describes the frequency of visits in the emergency care unit of patients in all age group as well as the age group who frequently sought health care management.

Maria:

1) "The figures below shows": "figures" is plural, but "shows" is for a singular subject.

2) "the number of population": not exactly; it shows the incidence per thousand population.

3) ".....visited" -> who visited.. (OR presented at)

4) "the emergency Care Department": is there only one department or are we generalizing? If the latter, it is easier to use the plural: emergency care departments. No capitalization required.

5) Reordering the sentence: the incidence and age profile per thousand population of patients who presented at emergency departments in Northern Ireland in December 2016 and ...

6) There is no clear overview: this could either be the second paragraph or the conclusion. The overview should not mention any figures, but clearly state "the main features, differences, or stages":
a) the age profile for both months is remarkably similar.
b) the figures for Dec 2017 are slightly higher.
Without a clear overview, the maximum for Task Achievement is Band 5. Beginning the overview with "overall" is one way to flag it.

7) -> in all age groups: check your singulars and plurals otherwise the mark for grammar accuracy will plunge.

8) "patient aged 75 and above has the highest rate followed by the patients under 5 years of age.": this might be seen as "recounts detail mechanically" (Band 5), so concentrate on the contrasts. For example: the incidence in top two bands (75+ and <5s) was much higher than the rest.

Maria:

9) "As we can observe": redundant.

10) "the age group of aged 75 years .. " -> the 75-plus and under-5 age groups...

11) remained to have -> kept

12) "On the other hand....": -> the remaining categories were much lower, ranging from the low twenties to mid thirties per mil.

13) One way to handle the detail paragraphs is to have two, one for each main feature in the overview. Concentrate on trends and contrasts: state these in words first, and follow with a gerund or phrase giving the detail. For example: the top two categories were far ahead of the others, with the under-5s reaching the low fifties and the 75-plus the mid sixties per thousand population.

thank you.... @kali

me again
what about this? is there any improvement or nothing at all?

The Figures below illustrates the number of visits of population in 6 different age group in December 2016 and December 2017 in Northern Ireland.
Overall, the attendance of population visiting the emergency care unit from December 2016 and December 2017 was relatively increased in all age group. And among all the age group it was the below 5 years and aged 75 and above had the highest incidence of visits remarkably compared to others.
Although all of the age group shown in the chart had increased, it is noticeable that the population from age 5 to 15 years remains to have the lowest incidence of visits in comparison to the population aged from 75 up which remains to have the highest incidence of visits in emergency care in both December 2016 and December 2017.
This figure simply shows the negative impact in the populations health in Northern Ireland as the incidence of hospital visits increases.

@Maria

Unfortunately there are no quick and easy fixes for IELTS writing. If you wish to improve your score, it would be a good idea to look at Simon's answer here:

http://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2018/05/ielts-writing-task-1-hospital-attendances-answer.html#comments

This gives a much better idea of what is required for a good answer. Secondly, I would suggest working through previous Task 1 assignments, model answers and comments here:

http://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/ielts-writing-task-1/

It might also be worthwhile reading the comments and looking at how other people's submissions have been corrected, as yours is not at all atypical or unusual.

As far as your revised version is concerned, I notice:
1) the conclusion is unwarranted, and speculative, and unnecessary.
2) there are systemic errors in your grammar which need to be understood and fixed as they will affect all your writing, including Task 2. For example, "all of the age group", "all the age group", "all..had increased".

It seems that not all the points raised by Kali have been fully understood and internalized properly. I would suggest that you give yourself much more time to effect an improvement and to prepare for the exam properly. In general it is a matter of acquiring the right approach and phrases needed for Task 1, and reducing the error rate with the little grammar words in between.

The graph illustrates the number of attendees per thousand at hospital emergency care department in Northern Ireland. It presents the data of December 2016 and December 2017 for different age groups.

Overall, number of attendees is highest for the age group above 75 in December 2017 and lowest for the age group 5-15 in December 2016. There is minor increment in 2017 in each age group in comparison with 2016.

In December 2016, number of attendees aged above 75 was slightly above 60 which was increased to almost 80 in December 2017. Number of attendees of age group under 5 is second highest as per the chart which shows more than 50 in 2016 and near to 60 in 2017.

On the other hand, attendees in the age group 5-15 is the least that is around 20 in 2016 and a bit more than 20 in 2017. However, number of attendees in the age group 16-44, 45-64 and 65-74 is almost at the same rate which has little increment in 2017. Number of attendees in these group ranges between 20 to 40 in both date.

Please would you review my essay and provide me some good suggestion.
Thank you

the largest/biggest/smallest number, or the ighest/lowest number? I am often confused. Please clarify. Thanks.

ok guys

The chart provides information about number of people who went to hospital emergency care department by age group in Northern Ireland in December of 2016 and 2017. Units are measured in attendance per 1000 people.
Overall, the most significant visit to hospital emergency care department was made by oldest aged people in both given years, while children from five to fifteen years went least. There was a marginal increase in number of people visited to the hospital emergency are department from the beginning year to later.

Hi, for the introduction, can I write:

" The figure compares the number of people attending hospital emergency care departments for each 1000 people in Northern Ireland in six different age groups in December 2106 and December 2017"

? Thank you very much

My Answer is below

increased
age 75 & over
Lowest

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