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Wednesday, February 07, 2018

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In 1st paragraph we will summarise and paraphrase the question.
In second paragraph we will give the reasons +examples of why people work hard.
3rd paragraph would be about the issue that if hard work is always a good good thing.
Last paragraph would contain both views with our own conclusion.

Plan

Introduction

It is true that some individuals are more studious and workaholic in comparison with other members in society. Although it can be beneficial in reaching your goals, I think that it can have negative effects on your health and social life.

Paragraph 2

Answer the first question

We can shape our personalities, we control our destinies, by working hard we can achieve any goals we put in our minds

Paragraph 3
Answer the second question
Working long hours can be harmful to our health, suffer from stress, not enough socialization with our family members and friends.

Conclusion - paraphrase the introduction in one sentence.
In spite of the fact that success in most cases gained through making strenuous efforts both in education and business life, you should do everything within borders of your mental and physical abilities.

Introduction: i'd introduce the topic and then give a general answer
(it is true that... , various reasons why and it is not always a good thing)

1st paragraph addresses the first part of the question
Topic sentence: several reasons why some people work harder. Firstly: it is in their nature ,
science has shown that genetics play a role
Secondly: they feel more need to work hard, e.g.
their future employment status might depend on how hard they work
Finally: they love what they do

(i'm assuming that working hard means being always physically, mentally active )

2nd paragraph deals with the second part
while it is certainly important, working hard has it own downsides: health-related problems, careless mistakes, stifles creativity

Conclusion: summarise

introduction: paraphrase the question

first paragraph: answer of the first question(why do some people work harder)

work is the abiding passion for those people who work hard.
they want to achieve unprecedented success and stand out from the others.
by this they can fulfill themselves and guarantee happiness from their prospective.

second paragraph: answer of the second question(is it a good thing)
personally,i believe that working hard is an advantageous thing which brings out enormous benefits on a person in terms of gaining a better standard of living and being a role model for his family.

conclusion:ambition and the desire to be are the reasons why people work hard,and it is a worthwhile discipline all of us should instill in ourselves and our children as well.

1. Writing a two sentences introduction. To do so, that is enough to have a GOOD paraphrase of the question (it should be done in five minutes).

2. Writing the first body paragraph including the answer of the first question in about five sentences. Mentioning the reasons and giving some details. For example, one idea could be fulfilling personal desires. Its example could be living in a luxurious lifestyle, which in turn leads to being in a rush (it should be done in 10 minutes).

3. Writing next body paragraph (about five sentences), which could be either disagreement over the idea, including the side effects on life (downside points) or making an agreement with the idea, and mentioning the upside points of working hard. Also, one could be partial agree with the idea ( it should be done in 10 minutes).

4. Conclusion: having two sentences conclusion in this case, which includes ANOTHER paraphrase of the question. Then, the VIEW of student should be added clearly (it should be done in five minutes).

Correction:
Having a two-sentence conclusion.
Writing a two-sentence introduction.

Dear Simon, you are an excellent teacher and it is because of your priceless and helpful website and blogs that I got my required band in IELTS exam.
Reading 8.0
listening 8.0
Speaking 8.0
Writing 7.0
overall 8.0
Your website was extremely helpful in IELTS preparation especially for WRITING AND READING modules.
Bundle of thanks ..👍

In education and employment, some people work harder than others. Why do some people work harder? Is it always a good thing to work hard?
A.Read and understand the question
, some people work harder than others. do some people work harder? a good thing to work hard?
B.Essay structure
1. Introduction: Topic and answer
In education and employment
Variety of reasons,Good most of time but not
always
2.Factors that influence people to work harder
3.fruitful in most time but not risk to health
4.Conclusion: Repeat the answer
positive for future but be careful
C.Ideas for two main body paragraphs
Factors that influence people to work harder
fruitful in most time but not risk to health

plan -

intro -

bp1- reason 1- to compete others and secure their place in a desired university or preffered domain of education.for example, student working hard to be in the list of top 100 candidates for admission in a prestigious institution.
reason 2 -professionals working hard for career progression and promotion at work.

bp2- negative aspects of working hard on personal ,social and even professional life .mental or physical exertion leading to poor health..may result in abscence from work...lack of time for family and friends ,misses opportunity to refresh his mind when he returns to work or studies .
a study has revealed working smart rather than hard work could lead to quick achievement of goals .

conclusion.

conclusion.

it is true that some people work hard and put strenuous efforts and are more workaholics in comparison to other other people of society.Although it can be useful to achieve your desired dreams and goals, but at the same time also have negative effects on your health and social life .

Personally , i believe that hard work can shape our personalities ,minds and fulfills our dreams in different perspective of life. for example we can live luxury life through success of hard work and can be a role model in our society and family.

Whereas, excess of anything is also bad and harmful too. it can weaken our stamina and body can suffer from various health problems. Moreover,continuous doing hard work can make person introvert and sense of anxiety and panic attacks arise for not becoming a loser.

To conclude, i partially agree with the above statement that success can be achieved through setting goals and hard work. but it is necessary to work smarter sometime. one should maintain work life balance and set appropriate boundaries to look carefully on career and position that will allow him/her to enjoy within those limits.

@abeer

1) Good news: your essay seems to deal with the good and bad aspects of working hard, insofar as paragraph two seems to point up the plus side and paragraph three the downside, and the final paragraph offers some answer and opinion.

2) Bad news: the conclusion does not directly answer the question. The question itself does not mention success or goal-setting, or use them as benchmarks: nor does it suggest that working hard is the best approach all the time. So something like: "I do not believe that working hard is automatically the best approach to all situations."

3) More bad news: I cannot see where the first question has been addressed or where the why part is mentioned. There is nothing about what motivates some people to work harder than their peers, so the mark for Task Response would be much lower than you would wish. Might I suggest that you go back and re-plan the essay first, as Simon suggests, and make sure both questions are being answered. This probably means one paragraph for the first question and another for the second, just to make things easy for the examiner!

4) "Although......, but ... " is usually wrong. Sometimes "still" can go in the main clause:
Although it can ..., at the same time it can still ... .

3) "Whereas" is not followed by a comma, and is not an adverb like "however":

http://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2010/11/ielts-grammar-while-whilst-whereas-as.html

http://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2010/11/ielts-grammar-however-and-whereas.html

Good luck, there is some hard work ahead!

Introduction

It is true that people work hard in study and job.while work hard give you good result in economically, also effect your health.

Topic senator para 1.

Some people work hard

- good grade at education
- good position in their job
- give better opportunities to progress
- financial freedom
For example. Student get good grade and get admissions in higher study where his dream cum thrue.
For job person give higher position and respect

It is always not good to work hard

It effect your health
Nor getting enough rest, lead to health diseases
Distract from friend and family

Conclusion
In conclusion, working hard lead to financial freedom where as it's had also negative impact on personal and social life

In education and employment, some people work harder than others. Why do some people work harder? Is it always a good thing to work hard?

Introduction:
It is argued that Individuals who are in the race of the society are more concerned to work fingers to bone. Despite the positives of the working hard, there are variety of drawbacks to completely absorbed into professional and studious life, like impairing the health and losing of social existence.


Body 1:
Ideas: Hard worker take himself as a sense of pride, More money have more facilities in life. To handle strenuous working condition of study life can lead to get full or somewhat ratio of scholarships to other country or other universities plus stipend. For professional area of life, member of one's society could be iconic by his dedication to work.. As there is a proverb, busy have no tears.. The more we make busy ourselves the less the problems will be.

Body 2:
Negatives of working hard
1. Earned money could go in vein if we will get sick by doing constant and unstopped efforts.
2. Remove our name from the list of people of a community.
3. Family interest can be fizzled.
4. Usually, the person who do work with sweat and blood likely to be unsatisfied by his doings.
5. For some bucks, none of us can buy happiness. if we don't value the relationships.


In conclusion, Although, most benefits are twined with hard-work, but, being on the go can harsh the precious life, socially and personally as well.


In spite of the fact that I am not good at writing but had a crack at it.
Can someone emend my essay and structure If I done it in a wrong way.

INTRODUCTION:paraphrase+opinion:To obtain highest skillfull qualification and high value paied job.undoubtedly best thinking to work hard in both education and employment.
Main body paragraph 1:topic sentence:several reason to struggle hardly in education and employment.Firstly,to get postgraduate degree and secure competitive respectable high salaried job.For example,super specialist cardiologist doctor compare with family physician.Secondly,boost social status and dignity in society.Finally,to become authority in his/her field and his/her opinion will become authentic and decisive.
Main body paragraph 2:Topic sentence:Indeed this is absolutely right decision to work hard in education and employment.The first and foremost reason to reflect persons sincerity and honesty with oneself to acheive goal in life.Another reason,it will bolster the productivity and image of employer globally.Furthermore,hard workers will become a role model and brighten their future prospects.Lastly but not least,it will give rise to well educated,civilised family and nation and also add high valu to countrys image in the comity of nations..

Conclusion=parapharase and summarise

Intro; It is true that some people put effort into their workplace more than others.I believe working hard would provide success career and influence positive attitude to other people.

P1 ; working hard would provide success career
-achieve highest score, get prizes or rewards and gain self confidence
-for example- become manager in a company

P2: influence positive attitude to other people
- always do your best, people would follow their behaviour.
workplace, manager is the best person, model behaviour, team member work hard.

Con: In conclusion, I believe working hard provide financial security and positive impact on other people.

Intro:
people hardworking
because of pressure

Body1
1st reason: intense competition for university --> study longer hours
2nd reason: high-tech --> workers never off-line

Body2
positive effects
a. hard-working young people will receive better education
b. boost economy and technological advance

Body3
a negative effect
people may suffer from fatigue and have no time to relax

Con:
people are more driven because of the competition and high-tech
this is beneficial

It is true that some people work hard especially in the field of education and occupation. This is because of these people want to win their rewards with remuneration and a rapid promotion in both professions. Always working hard may lead some positive and negative impacts.


Nowadays working hard in the fields of education and occupation is becoming more common because some people want to achieve their goals and targets for getting higher position. For example, in some research institutes many professor work hard and hard for achieving the best research award in their professions. In this way they believe that they can get their desired post of their institute such as as vice chancellor. Owing to this, working hard also has more opportunity for getting incentives. For instance, some industries offer to an extra financial benifits for over time hours and people become more attractive to work for earning more money.

On other hand, it is pertinent to mention here that working hard has not always positive impacts. In terms of advantages of working hard people can get success and fame. But equally, people do not spend their spare time with their family and do not pay attention their health. Moreover, due to work hard, some people are disconnected from their social life and always become busy every time and can miss many more other occasions of their personal as compared to others people.

In conclusion, working hard in the profession of education and employment has created objectives for some achievements. But there are also some positive and negative consequences for work hard.


Hello,
İs it good to write paraphrasing sentence like this?
It is true that some individuals of our society work harder than others.
I used the same combination in the question: 'work harder than others'
Is it a mistake?
I would appreciate any response.
Thanks in advance.

@Leyla
My understanding is that copying a phrase of more than three words may be penalized. We could replace "others" with "peers", "co-workers", or "fellows". In the context of education: fellow students. More generally, "cohort peers" is the academic phrase.

"Work harder" is a key phrase, so, to me, could well be used in the introduction and conclusion. Or maybe "working harder" as a noun. Perhaps: "work harder than their peers".

Here are some other verbs which might be useful:

labour (verb and noun)
toil (verb and noun)
grind away
slog away
put in long(er) hours/ more overtime
slave away
put more effort in /into their job

Nouns:
overwork / overworking
overtime
long brutal shifts
the daily grind

exhausting/backbreaking/intense/demanding work
hard labour (heavy physical labour)

@Ameet
1) To me, the second paragraph seems to focus more on the fact that some people do in fact work harder than others, rather than focusing on why. That is, the focus should be on motivation. or necessity, and whatever drives people.

2)"In the field of occupation" seems not to be a usable phrase in English. The phrase "in education and employment" from the question would equate more to: at school, college or university and at work.

3) The introduction, I would suggest, also needs to focus on motivation and drivers. There is no need to provide examples here either. Something much more general such as:
There are various reasons why some people put in more effort and longer hours at school or work.

4) https://www.google.com/search?q=%22lead%20to%20positive%20impacts%22&tbm=bks&lr=lang_en

5) The usual advice is to avoid "get" wherever possible in formal writing:

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=get+success%2Cget+success%3Aeng_fiction_2012%2C+*_VERB+success&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Cget%20success%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cget%20success%3Aeng_fiction_2012%3B%2Cc0%3B.t2%3B%2C%2A_VERB%20success%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bachieve_VERB%20success%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bensure_VERB%20success%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bachieved_VERB%20success%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bachieving_VERB%20success%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bvarying_VERB%20success%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bhad_VERB%20success%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bresounding_VERB%20success%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bguarantee_VERB%20success%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bis_VERB%20success%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bincreasing_VERB%20success%3B%2Cc0

6) The conclusion will also need adjusting. See my previous post for some vocabulary ideas. Also:

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=*_ADJ+motivation&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t2%3B%2C%2A_ADJ%20motivation%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bintrinsic_ADJ%20motivation%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bhuman_ADJ%20motivation%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bprimary_ADJ%20motivation%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bstrong_ADJ%20motivation%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bpolitical_ADJ%20motivation%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bhigh_ADJ%20motivation%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bunconscious_ADJ%20motivation%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Beconomic_ADJ%20motivation%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bextrinsic_ADJ%20motivation%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bpersonal_ADJ%20motivation%3B%2Cc0

7) The nouns are "hard work", or "working hard(er)"; the verb is "work hard(er)". "Work hard" as a noun does not exist.

Introduction: A number of people invest extra-time and work extremely hard to get a job or renowned institution for study. It is perhaps due to secure a better job or position in the society although too much hard work is detrimental to health.
Paragraph 1: People having specific goal are adamant enough to reach that peak
Paragraph 2: Unplanned extreme work may not be fruitful, in fact, it can be the cause of health hazards.
Conclusion: It is quite judicious nowadays that without hard work success is impossible in this competitive world which is the potential reason for some persons but heavy workload significantly increase health-risk.

First question: is an opinion required? Do we need to say "I believe that the reason is ...". Not sure. Perhaps the safer option is to say "there are various reasons...".

Second question: is an opinion required? Do we need to state categorically: I believe working hard is a waste of time/absolutely essential or whatever? Not sure. Again safer to write: not necessarily/automatically a good thing.

Either way, we need a "consistent position throughout", so we need two sentences in the intro to make our position on each question clear, a body paragraph each in support of our stance, and repeat our position on both questions in the conclusion.

So far, so good..

Is working hard always a good thing? Well that depends on what you mean by hard work. Is it:
a) heavy manual labor on a farm on in construction, or
b) putting in extra overtime and long hours, or
c) being a solo mother with three kids and two part time jobs, or
d) being trapped in some war-torn country or refugee camp with no prospects, or
e) being shut out of meaningful education because you are female, or
f) walking 10km to the nearest school and back each day,
g) struggling with disability,
h) being forced to work in a job you hate, in prison, or to support your family.

Which of those is "always a good thing"?

Paragraph 1, Paraphrase the question in my own words and directly make my opinion.
Paragraph 2, Explain why people are working hard, make an example to illustrate the necessity for hard working people.
Paragraph 3, Compare the advantages and disadvantages of working too hard by personal experience or other people's account.
Paragraph 4, Summarize the epotome of paragraph 2 and 3 and the emphasis on finding a balance between life and work.
Thanks!This is my thinking.

There are individuals who persevere more compared with other people. This essay will talk about low salary income and the interest of laborers to get promoted in a job to gain success. Moreover, the following paragraph will elaborate that working too much is risking one’s self to stress and not able to provide ample time with family and friends.

First, it is a fact that not all employees are earning higher pay. The money earned by an ordinary worker may not suffice to sustain the needs of the family. Hence, such employee dogged himself to work to finance day to day living expenditures. For example, a construction worker roughly earns P10,000 a month and has 5 children to send to school. Due to this, he has to work double in order to support his family. In addition to this, people work hard enough to step up to higher level of position. The greater the rank in the company the better compensation and the brighter it is to build success. For instance, according to research conducted by the University of Oklahoma in 2015, 88% of the employees in different companies became successful because of hard work and determination and got promoted.

Another consideration to take is, working long hours is harmful to health and minimizes the chance to enjoy life. There must be a work life balance thus it is necessary to consider the value of wellness and relationship with others. Consequently, working hard is exposing self to certain illnesses.

In conclusion, in the field of both education and occupation, some workers are being submissive to work because of the desire to earn more than what they usually receive and being able to attain success by getting promoted from work. Also, working strenuously contributes to over fatigue which can eventually lead to sickness as well as this hinders in spending quality time with family and colleagues.

(revised from my previous post) Please make a correction Simon. Thanks

In education and employment, some people work harder than others. Why do some people work harder? Is it always a good thing to work hard?

There are individuals who persevere more compared with other people. This essay will talk about why students grind away from school. This will also tackle on low salary income and the interest of laborers to get promoted in a job to gain success. Moreover, the following paragraph will state that studying and working beyond limit could be a road to achieve goals but is more gearing on risking one’s self to stress and over fatigue, and hinders in spending quality time with family and colleagues.

First, it is a fact that other learners exhaust themselves in reviewing lessons to academically and personally transcend in the institution. Let me say, a graduating student frequently sleeps late because of extremely studying in order to become a magna cum laude. However, with regard to workers, not all employees are earning higher pay. The money earned by an ordinary wage earner may not suffice to sustain the needs of the family. Hence, such employee dogged himself to work to finance day to day living expenditures. For example, a construction worker roughly earns P10,000 a month and has 5 children to send to school. Due to this, he has to work double in order to support his family. In addition, people work hard enough to step up to higher level of position. The greater the rank in the company the better compensation and the brighter it is to build success. For instance, according to research conducted by the University of Oklahoma in 2015, 88% of the employees in different companies became successful because of hard work and determination and got promoted.

Another consideration to take is, when a passionate learner and laborer is dedicated on all the things they do then there is a greater chance to receive recognition and achieve ones dream. However, studying and working long hours is also harmful to health and minimizes the chance to enjoy life. There must be a work life balance thus it is necessary to consider the value of wellness and relationship with others. Consequently, learning and working intensely is exposing self to certain illnesses.

In conclusion, in the field of both education and work, some learners and workers are being submissive with their studies and job because of the desire to excel and the determination to work and earn more than what they used to correspondingly. Working strenuously has both positive and negative impact in people’s lives.

1. Introduction: summary and paraphrase

In this competitive era some people are working hard both in study and work because they have particular aim to make a better career and lead a successful lives. On the opposite side, some people don’t. Although there is a debate that working hard doesn’t bring achievement all the time but I believe that, for a fruitful future we must overcome the barriers we confront during education and employment through hard work.

2. Reasons for working hard: reasons and ideas

When we read the history of very triumphant people all over the world we see they were so much hard working and self-dedicated to their duties. They gave importance to their learning and working period. If we behold at the present time we have the same view. For example, students who are really sincere about their ongoing days related to self-establishment doing comparatively better than other who don’t realize the benefit of hard work. In addition, employees in a work station trying hard night and day owing to get a vertical promotion or have an expected wage. Persons from every spheres of life working consistently and devotedly to reach their setup goals which ultimately fetch success and happiness to them. Furthermore, doctors work becoming a famous physician, engineers try much to be a well-known engineer and so on.

3. Is it always good to work hard? Reasons and opinions.

There is an averse belief that working hard sometimes falls in vain and doesn’t carry someone towards his/her planned ambitions. Also, it is harmful for health and mind too. Another extreme truth is that working restlessly seldom bring desired result in one’s life but it’s not for all. For instant, some people work hard continuously without any interval to get prominent outcomes in their job place which make their life easy and comfortable. But at the end they remain sick and cannot catch the anticipated payoff. Consequently, they get frustrated and give up exertion. Failures after hard work break men’s spirits and enthusiasms. Besides, abstract result of hard working rules people to mental disorder and hopeless too.

4. Conclusion: short, overview

There no alternative of hard work if someone wants to be great and self-esteemed in his/her community or region. Failing due to break free attempts is rare. Millions of people around the globe achieving prosperities every day because of hard work both in education institutions and in their working territories.



i think some of you guys have misunderstood the question. The question is not why do people work hard but rather why do some people work hard'er'

almost everyone works hard for certain reasons(a), but not as hard/much as some people do. These people who work even harder have their own reasons(b) that differ (there might be an overlap) from the reasons(a).

(just my opinion)

@cristine

1: 400 words is a lot to write in the exam. My philosophy is to practice writing less than 300 in Task 2. Quality is everything: there are no marks at all for being over-length. Somewhere I read that examiners are paid per script, and may not even read beyond a certain point because of time constraints.

2: Simon suggests that we keep the introduction and conclusion short, just two sentences each, without the long preamble and abstract found in academic writing. Apparently it is the body paragraphs (and their cohesion/coherence) that contribute most to the score.

3: The first question asks why some people work harder, so, given that people in one particular area are in pretty much the same economic situation with the same prospects and opportunities and with somewhat similar needs, the question is really about motivation and what makes one individual go the extra mile, put in more effort, work longer hours, or study harder, whereas their some of their peers are either lazy, disinterested, out with friends, or playing sport, or listening to music, generally not trying to get ahead. Thus, while much of your essay talks about hard work it does not actually answer the first question.

4: The conclusion states: "Working strenuously has both positive and negative impact in people’s lives", but the second question does not say: is it a good thing to work hard? It includes the word "always". So, to my mind, the second question has not been properly answered either. We need to either agree or disagree with the proposition. One good conclusion might be: there is no need to work hard all the time, but hard work always pays off. Or: Sometimes all your hard work turns out to be wasted. (turns to custard)

5: In my view, there are too many linking adverbials at the start of many sentences: "moreover", "first", "hence", "let me say","however (x2)" "consequently".

6: "why some students grind away from at school and homework more than their peers".

".their some of their peers.. "

1.Intro:-Topic: work longer than other competitors
Answer: several reasons, yes it's always good
main body paragraphs:
2.explain reasons why some people work harder than else
3. always good, we live in a competitive and unpredictable society.
4.Conclusion:
people should be encouraged, work hard is always better

In nowadays society, there are a proportion of population are making more effort than others both for education and employment. This essay discusses about the reason why people are willing to work harder than others and also gives my opinion about is it always a good thing to work hard or not.
The reason why some people are willing to make more effort than others, as far as my concerns, there are mainly three reasons. Firstly people are working hard to purchasing the higher living standard. Secondly, people have to work harder and harder in order to survive in the increasingly intensive competition environment among nations, races, individuals. Finally, some people are working very hard to chasing their own dreams or interests. They work hard to realize their short term and long term goals. These are the main reasons why people are working very hard.
However, I do not think that it is always a good thing to work hard. People as the human being is not a machine that can work whenever day and night. Otherwise, it is very easy for the human being to get physical and mental problems when working too hard. What more, people need to withdraw from their busy exhausting working daily life occasionally to have a break, and repowered the strength for the next challenges.
In conclusion, people are fighting for the better future, however, even the best fighter needs a relax to recharging the power for the continuous better outcomes.

How is my introduction?
It is true that some members in our society overwork their peers.Although,it is very beneficial for them in achieving their goals,dreams,i believe that it can also negatively affect those individuals socially,physically,even mentally.
I would appreciate any response.(evaluation of my writing)
Thanks in advance.

overwork = to work too hard; to make a person or an animal work too hard

1. so i think 'some overwork their peers' is not equal to 'some work harder than others'

2. you didn't address the first question: i think it is a good idea to give a general answer to both questions in the introduction
================================================

if a person (who has never read the original question) comes up and reads your introduction, he/she would think that the topic that is being discussed is the positive and negative effects of overworking

(just my opinion, take it with a grain of salt)

more hardworking than others ~ ( i think) work harder than others ( an alternative)

It is true some students and employees are more hardworking than their peers. There are several reasons why, and i do not think people always benefit from working hard.

Thanks for the feedback Simon. I really appreciate it. I feel very grateful

@Leyla
Note "overworked and underpaid" - a nice phrase for another context.

"Although" is not normally followed by a comma. It is a conjunction, not an adverb like "however".

It is true THAT some students and employees are more hardworking than their peers. There are several reasons why this is the case, and i do not think people always benefit from working hard.

(i'm assuming that people in education and employment are students and employees respectively. who else could it be ?)

@ Sonny sun

0) The introduction does not seem to state your position clearly: we need to "present a clear position throughout". Likewise, the conclusion does not really provide an answer to both questions. They should both say something like: there are various reasons why some people work harder... hard work is always worth it.

1) The examples must support your thesis that "some people are willing to make more effort":

"Firstly some people are working hard ..."
"Secondly, some people have to work harder and harder .... "

2) To avoid repeating "some people", we could use (without Firstly/Secondly/Finally):

...some people are willing...
Some are working hard...
Others have to work harder and harder..
And yet others are working very hard to ....

3) Leave an entire unused blank line between paragraphs. This makes it clear where they start and end.

4) "Discuss" is not followed by about: discuss the reason...

5) "..give my opinion as to whether it is always ..."

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=opinion+*%2Copinion+as+to+whether%2C+opinion+on+whether&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t2%3B%2Copinion%20%2A%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bopinion%20of%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bopinion%20that%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bopinion%20in%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bopinion%20on%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bopinion%20is%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bopinion%20and%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bopinion%20was%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bopinion%20as%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bopinion%20about%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bopinion%20the%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Copinion%20as%20to%20whether%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Copinion%20on%20whether%3B%2Cc0

Also:

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=overwork%2Coutwork_VERB%2Coutwork%2Coverwork_NOUN%2Coverwork_VERB%2Coverworked%2Coverworked+*+underpaid&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Coverwork%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Coutwork_VERB%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Coutwork%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Coverwork_NOUN%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Coverwork_VERB%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Coverworked%3B%2Cc0%3B.t2%3B%2Coverworked%20%2A%20underpaid%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Boverworked%20and%20underpaid%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Boverworked%20or%20underpaid%3B%2Cc0

Some ideas about the first question:

There are various reasons why some people work harder than their peers. For some, extrinsic motivation is the key. For instance, they come from the countryside to the big city and work seven days a week in a car wash or something, and send home half their pay to support the family or pay for the education of a sibling.

For others intrinsic motivation is the driving force. For example, junior doctors often work over seventy hours a week for comparatively low pay considering the years of training. They are dedicated. After all if all you want is money, they would be better off in finance or real estate.

@shokhrukh
Thank you very much for your answer.
Introduction you have suggested is about 34 words.I am trying to use more words to make it at least 50 words.Probably it is the reason that makes it more complex and ununderstandable. I think i should concentrate on body paragraphs and trying to make them more complex.I mean more sentences.

@DaNang
Thank you very much for your answer.

@shokhrukh
But teacher Simon suggested just 5 sentences for body paragraphs and 2 sentences for introduction and conclusion.
I think i should break that rule a little bit.

Because my sentences are so simple

Here is my new introduction.
It is true that some students and employees are more hardworking than their peers.There are various reasons why this is the case, and i believe that those individuals don't always get benefit from working hard.
I think it is better,thanks.

@Leyla
"Benefit" is also a verb: so we could say "individuals do not always benefit from ...". It is safer to avoid "get" in formal writing where possible.

Perhaps: It is true that, for various reasons, some students.... I believe individuals do not always benefit....

@shokhrukh
It could be teachers. Are you also assuming then that they never work hard, or alternatively that they are not in fact people?

@Leyla

Band 9 requires:

"fully addresses all parts of the task" and "presents a fully developed position in answer to the question with relevant, fully extended and well supported ideas".

For the body paragraphs, the aim is not to make them more complex, or simply to write more sentences, but rather to develop your position. That means explaining why you think like you do, and providing examples or evidence to back up your views. It means explaining your ideas in detail and the logic behind them and dealing with any objections. And making sure that your examples truly do support your logic. This will inevitably mean more sentences, but they must all be to the point. This is why an overly long introduction or conclusion is unnecessary. In the time available, it pays to just get to the point.

That said, note what Simon says:

http://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2016/09/ielts-advice-about-task-response.html

More ideas for first question:

Some people (especially students) work put in less effort than their peers because they are distracted by family issues, pressures, bereavement, grief, breakups, bullying, being dumped, their own emotional state, unable to concentrate because they are hungry, tired, cold, crippled by memories of past traumatic episodes. Or just never found the trick to overcome procrastination.

".. students) work put in less..."

Leyla

yes, you better focus on body paragraphs instead of writing long introduction

i think you don't have to write strictly 5 sentences for a body paragraph (i mean if you do write, you won't get a lower score). Simon suggests 2 5 5 2 structure because as he said recently " I like to have a method and stick to it, so I know what to do without having to think too much " .
it just guides you.

DaNang

maybe this is better

It is true that some people, in education and employment, are more hardworking than others. There are several reasons why this is the case, and i do not think working hard can always be considered beneficial.

( it is good that we correct each other :)

@ shokhrukh

Actually, on second thoughts, teachers are usually employees, so "students and employees " would cover them too.

@DaNang

Thank you very much!

@Sonny sun
British Council say:
"Don’t over-use linking words or phrases or use inappropriately – this could become confusing or irritating for the reader. Also don’t always use linking words at the beginning of sentences – show more variety."

So, looking at your third paragraph:

"However, I do not think, however, that it is always a good thing to work hard. "

"Otherwise" does not fit the context, so just delete it, as the logical flow is sufficient.

"What is more": again too obtrusive. In my view this is not a new point, just an expansion of the previous two sentences, so just delete this phrase. (Or if you must, use "also" as it is less obtrusive: People also need...)

For cohesion, there is a posting and comment by Mojo and Mr sjm here:
http://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2018/01/ielts-writing-task-2-instead-of-firstly-secondly-finally.html

@Sonny sun

Alternatively:

It is consequently very easy ...
People thus need to ....

Intro- In the field of employment and education people are becoming more competitive to others. This is because of achieving number some objective and sincerity with their work. It has long term benifits but some disadvantages should be considered for too much work together.


BP 1. Many people like to do work harder than others due their own satisfaction and some achievements in both the occupations including education as well as in employment- for getting good grade and admiration, rewards and promotions, money etc.


BP 2. Work hard than other may lead to some family issues because this kind of people don't spare time with them and consequently children might be involved in bad activities,lack of parents guidance etc. This could lead any health, social problems and other important occasions.

In conclusion, work hard in these occupations than other has many reasons including a successful career and higher bank balance. But this is not always positive response when people neglect their other concerned issues.

Good afternoon,
It is true that some people,in education and employment,are more hardworking than others.There are several reasons why this is the case,and i believe that it is not always beneficial for them.
In my opinion,there are various reasons that motivate those individuals to study or work in long hours.Firstly,being more competitive and ambitious probably lead these people to hardworking.It is also inevitable fact that having a competitive nature is a key sign to success.Secondly,they may intensely love and be more obsessed with their dreams and goals.As a consequence,those strong desires make these members more studious and workaholic than their peers in our society.Additionally,people who are highly successful can only be admitted to outstanding universities and occupation centers especially in the field of medicine and law.It is no doubt true that these individuals are those who have high amount of self-discipline and dedication to working in long brutal shifts.
I would appreciate any response.(evaluation)
Thanks in advance.

Correction:

... (i mean if you write more than 5 sentences for a body paragraph , you won't get a lower score )...

Correction:

... (i mean if you write "more than 5 sentences" for a body paragraph , you won't get a lower score )...


Sorrry about that

@Leyla
a) "reasons that motivate" are called "motives" or "motivations":

https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/motivation
https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/motive

... there are various motivations/motives for individuals to ....

b) work in long hours -> work long hours

https://www.google.com/search?q=%22work%20long%20hours%22&tbm=bks&lr=lang_en

c) ... being XYZ leads these people to hardworking work harder.

d) It is also an inevitable fact ..

e) There needs to be a space after each period/full stop at the end of every sentence.

f) "occupation centers": these seem to be either places for rehab, special training, or career advice.

https://www.google.com/search?q=%22occupation%20centre%22&tbm=bks&lr=lang_en

https://www.google.com/search?q=%22occupation%20center%22&tbm=bks&lr=lang_en&gws_rd=ssl

g) ... working in long brutal shifts.

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=work+long+shifts%2Cwork+shifts%2Cworks+shifts&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Cwork%20long%20shifts%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cwork%20shifts%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cworks%20shifts%3B%2Cc0


one introduction
one conclusion

It is true that some individuals make more effort in work than their peers for many reasons, but i think working hard can have several negative and positive effects on person's life.

TOPIC S P1: There are many reasons people work hard depending on situation they are...

TOPIC S P2: I think it is more harmful for employees or pupils to be ubsessed with working hard...

1. Introduction: summarise and paraphrase

In this competitive era some people are working hard both in study and work because they have particular aim to make a better career and lead a successful lives. On the opposite side, some people don’t. Although there is a debate that working hard doesn’t bring achievement all the time but I believe that, for a fruitful future we must overcome the barriers we confront during education and employment through hard work.

2. Reasons for working hard: reasons and ideas

When we read the history of very triumphant people all over the world we see they were so much hard working and self-dedicated to their duties. They gave importance to their learning and working period. If we behold at the present time we have the same view. For example, students who are really sincere about their ongoing days related to self-establishment doing comparatively better than other who don’t realize the benefit of hard work. In addition, employees in a work station trying hard night and day owing to get a vertical promotion or have an expected wage. Persons from every spheres of life working consistently and devotedly to reach their setup goals which ultimately fetch success and happiness to them. Furthermore, doctors work becoming a famous physician, engineers try much to be a well-known engineer and so on.

3. Is it always good to work hard? Reasons and opinions.

There is an averse belief that working hard sometimes falls in vain and doesn’t carry someone towards his/her planned ambitions. Also, it is harmful for health and mind too. Another extreme truth is that working restlessly seldom bring desired result in one’s life but it’s not for all. For instant, some people work hard continuously without any interval to get prominent outcomes in their job place which make their life easy and comfortable. But at the end they remain sick and cannot catch the anticipated payoff. Consequently, they get frustrated and give up exertion. Failures after hard work break men’s spirits and enthusiasms. Besides, abstract result of hard working rules people to mental disorder and hopeless too.

4. Conclusion: short, overview

There no alternative of hard work if someone wants to be great and self-esteemed in his/her community or region. Failing due to break free attempts is rare. Millions of people around the globe achieving prosperities every day because of hard work both in education institutions and in their working territories.



@Raju

1) In paragraph three, there are actually two points, one that hard work does not guarantee success, and the other that overworking can have adverse health fallout. As there are two points, two separate paragraphs might be better to maintain focus within each paragraph. To use just a single paragraph, we would need to begin with a more general topic/thesis statement such as: working hard is not all good news. And then deal with each idea/explanation/example in turn.

2) There is quite a lot of good vocabulary here but often not quite right in the context. This is often the result of trying to write above and beyond one's true level. The only way out is to check the usage of each phrase on google books, and see if it really is valid or not. For instance "averse belief" does not show up on a search of google books, and I do not really understand what is meant by this phrase. If a phrase does not show up on google books, it is safer to avoid it in IELTS writing.

https://www.google.com/search?tbm=bks&ei=eqWBWrahHMPA0gS9r7nwAQ&q=%22averse+belief%22&oq=%22averse+belief%22&gs_l=psy-ab.12...16245.17676.0.20099.2.2.0.0.0.0.196.387.0j2.2.0....0...1c.1.64.psy-ab..0.0.0....0.OP8IW1VKmDk

@Raju

3) "don’t": do not use contractions in formal or business writing.

4) To me, the second paragraph is more about motivation,drive,aspirations and values than reasons.

5) Although...., but still ...

6) The following phrases seem to be questionable:

"fruitful future" -> better future

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=*_ADJ+future&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t2%3B%2C%2A_ADJ%20future%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bnear_ADJ%20future%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bforeseeable_ADJ%20future%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bimmediate_ADJ%20future%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdistant_ADJ%20future%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bpossible_ADJ%20future%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bown_ADJ%20future%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bpolitical_ADJ%20future%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bbetter_ADJ%20future%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Buncertain_ADJ%20future%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bbright_ADJ%20future%3B%2Cc0

"triumphant people" -> successful people

"self-dedicated to their duties" -> dedicated.

" gave importance to their learning and working period" -> prioritized their education and time at work.

"behold" (archaic, literary )-> look at

https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/behold

"ongoing days related to self-establishment " -> current time gaining qualifications (on which to establish their career) as the basis for their career.

"employees in a work station" = in a work situation?

"reach their setup goals" -> achieve their own personal goals

"fetch success" -> bring success

Using a collocation dictionary might help here. http://ozdic.com/collocation-dictionary/sucess

@Raju

"people from every spheres of life" -> from all walks of life

"every" is followed by a singular noun.

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=all+walks+of+life%2C+every+sphere+of+life%2C+all+spheres+of+life&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Call%20walks%20of%20life%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cevery%20sphere%20of%20life%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Call%20spheres%20of%20life%3B%2Cc0

"falls in vain"-> is (all) in vain

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=*_VERB+in+vain&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t2%3B%2C%2A_VERB%20in%20vain%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Btried_VERB%20in%20vain%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bwas_VERB%20in%20vain%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bbeen_VERB%20in%20vain%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bbe_VERB%20in%20vain%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bis_VERB%20in%20vain%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bwere_VERB%20in%20vain%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Blook_VERB%20in%20vain%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bsought_VERB%20in%20vain%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bwaited_VERB%20in%20vain%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Btrying_VERB%20in%20vain%3B%2Cc0

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=*_VERB+their+ambitions&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t2%3B%2C%2A_VERB%20their%20ambitions%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Brealize_VERB%20their%20ambitions%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bachieve_VERB%20their%20ambitions%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bsatisfy_VERB%20their%20ambitions%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bpursue_VERB%20their%20ambitions%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bfulfill_VERB%20their%20ambitions%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bfurther_VERB%20their%20ambitions%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bfulfil_VERB%20their%20ambitions%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Brealise_VERB%20their%20ambitions%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Brealizing_VERB%20their%20ambitions%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Blimit_VERB%20their%20ambitions%3B%2Cc0

"harmful for" -> harmful to

"extreme truth" -> uncomfortable truth

"working restlessly" -> constantly overworking

" to get prominent outcomes in their job place " -> to achieve outstanding job performance

" remain sick and cannot catch the anticipated payoff" -> may fall sick and not receive the anticipated payoff

" give up exertion" -> give up.

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=*_ADJ+result%2C+negative+results%2C+nil+results%2C+zero+return&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t2%3B%2C%2A_ADJ%20result%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bsame_ADJ%20result%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdirect_ADJ%20result%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bnet_ADJ%20result%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bfinal_ADJ%20result%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bdesired_ADJ%20result%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Binevitable_ADJ%20result%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bimportant_ADJ%20result%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bsimilar_ADJ%20result%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bnatural_ADJ%20result%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bpositive_ADJ%20result%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cnegative%20results%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cnil%20results%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Czero%20return%3B%2Cc0

-> negative results from hard work may lead to mental ill-health and depression.

Quite a number of sentences over-generalize, so we need to be more tentative, inserting "may", "might", "sometimes" as appropriate.

@Raju

Finally a must-fix grammar point:

"Millions ... are achieving "

"students ... are doing comparatively"

"employees ... are trying hard night"

"Persons ... are working consistently"

@Raju

"I believe that, for a fruitful future we must overcome the barriers we confront during education and employment through hard work."

This needs a second comma after "future", I think, or alternatively no commas at all.

BTW the phrase "a fruitful future" is indeed used, but rings a little hollow or smacks of overblown political rhetoric in the context of one's own future career. Might I suggest: "better career prospects" instead.

Of course the examiner does not care exactly what your views are: it is all about whether you can put them across clearly and concisely. That said, this sentence reads as if all barriers can be overcome by hard work. To me, this sounds like a over-generalization, as in quite a number of countries women face almost insurmountable barriers in the workplace, even in so-called developed countries where the "glass-ceiling" is commonplace, and (as at the BBC) equal pay for women is still not the norm.

If you agree with this viewpoint, then we could recast the sentence something like:

Hard work is often an important factor in overcoming the barriers we confront during education and employment, in our struggle toward a better future career.

Band 7 specifically mentions over-generalization as something to be avoided.

Thanks @Khe for your valuable corrections.

You completely assessed my work. I'm ready to learn your guidelines.

would someone tell me how to write my essay i just write introduction . it is so hard for me to use good vocab and my idea about topic

@heyam
A good start would be to post your plan as Mr Simon requested, and the introduction you have written. Getting the plan right is the key to a good result in both Task Response and Cohesion.

Introduction, people are required to work harder for economic progress. Some work harder. I do not think it is a positive trend.

Body1. reasons why some people work harder.
1)want to succeed in their work. high salaries and promotion would be ensured. more money and higher positions mean that having power.
2)responsibility. People who have important positions are likely to work harder.They try to be a good example in a company.

Body2. However, I disagree with the trend.
The society would become more competitive.
-> It might destroy a positive work culture.
For example, one Asian started working in France. Always he did overwork without requesting, which just destroyed well-established work culture.
Moreover, bosses work too hard to become good models, which might employees are uncomfortable. It will decrease productivity and creativity. minus for a company.

Conclusion, The situation that only few work harder is negative. It worsens work culture and decreases productivity and creativity.

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