IELTS Writing Task 2: example paragraph

Here's a 5-sentence paragraph using the second plan from last week's lesson:

Many people believe that sports professionals earn too much money. They argue that sport is a form of entertainment rather than a vital public service. We could easily live without sportspeople, yet other professionals who contribute much more to society are undervalued and underpaid. For example, football players can earn enormous salaries by simply kicking a ball, while doctors, nurses and teachers earn a fraction of the money despite being essential for our health and prosperity. From this perspective, sports stars do not deserve the salaries they currently earn.

As you can see, the paragraph explains the view that sportspeople earn too much money. This came from a discuss both views question.

Comments

[RIX]

Many people believe that sports professionals earn too much money.(Topic Sentence)
They argue that sport is a form of entertainment rather than a vital public service.(Explanation)
We could easily live without sportspeople, yet other professionals who contribute much more to society are undervalued and underpaid.(Explain in more detail)
For example, football players can earn enormous salaries by simply kicking a ball, while doctors, nurses and teachers earn a fraction of the money despite being essential for our health and prosperity. (Example)
From this perspective, sports stars do not deserve the salaries they currently earn.(Explain why they disagree with the opposite view)

do we need any link word such as " as a reault, therefore......."between sentences to explain the topic in this paragraph? thanks !

[Simon]

Hi Rix,

Thanks for labelling the sentences.

Remember that there are other ways to link ideas:

- In sentence 2, "they" links to "many people" in sentence 1.
- You could put something like "In other words,..." at the beginning of sentence 3.
- "For example" is a way of linking (sentence 4).
- In sentence 5, "this perspective" refers to the perspective that I explained in the sentence(s) before. "This" is a good linking word too.

[Yamei]

Hi Simon

I was told today that linking words are very important in academic essays writing. I have been following the way you've taught us of how to write a good essay but was told my essay isn't good due to lack of linking words. Moreover, I used two examples which from my own knowledge in my two main body paragraphs respectively. However, I was told that I shouldn't do so and I should add more examples like from books and such. I was a bit confused. I don't know if I should just following your advice only or listen to other opinions.

Thank you.

[Yamei]

Sorry. One more thing. Is there any difference between linking words and conjunction words? Thanks a lot, Simon.

[Martin]

Hi Yamei,

Here are just my comments:

As long as your ideas are logical/coherent and all the sentences are clearly written/expressed, I would say that it is a good essay even if there aren't any linking words. However, using linking words is equally important because they help to join your ideas together, thus smoothening the entire essay.

I really don't think there is anything wrong to use personal knowledge as examples. What you need to make sure is that your examples are directly supporting your ideas, otherwise they could be considered as "irrelevant". For IELTS, you don't need to be an expert on the topic you are being asked, but it is important to have some general knowledge and opinion towards them.

Anyway, maybe Simon has other ideas and/or points of view and could enlighten us in this regard.

Good luck!

Martin

[Simon]

Hi Yamei,

Martin's advice above is spot on (perfect).

If the ideas are expressed in a logical, coherent way, you don't need to fill the essay with linking words. Use a few of them, but don't use too many.

I also agree with what Martin says about examples. Personal examples are fine.

A conjunction is a type of linking word.

[Yamei]

Thanks very much, Martin and Simon.

[Sally]

Hi Simon
I have a topic of essay. Could u please support some ideas for me?
"Nowadays the people live longer. What cause of this. It is negative or positive effects? Why

[Simon]

Hi Sally,

Here are some ideas:

Causes:
Better health care, medicine, hospitals, diet, lifestyle...

Effects:
Mostly positive because we all want to live longer, enjoy life, our parents/grandparents live longer.
Some negatives - more retired people means more pensions and more pressure on hospitals, more pressure on working adults in terms of looking after elderly relatives and paying higher taxes for pensions and health care.

[gwapo]

Simon, can you please make a full essay of a discussion type essay without stating your opinion in the conclusion. :)

[Simon]

Hi Gwapo,

I'll try to do one soon.

[siya]

Hi this is essay which write as per youe sentence formation
Many people want their country to host an international sporting event. Others believe that international sporting events bring more problems than benefits. Discuss both views and state your opinion.
1st plan i used in this paragraph
There are several reasons which represent benefits to host an international sporting occasion.Government of host country can earn revenue from tourism.For instance,air fares and hospitality and tourism industry can boost economy of nation.An international sport event can be lead a good example to show prosperity,brotherhood and harmony between two nation’s players.Another reason is that host nation would get golden opportinity to show their custom.tradition and warn welcome to not only international players but also international viewers.
2nd plan used in this (in this para i picked 1 point investment and tried to expand it)
However,huge amount of investment is needed to organise such sports event.Some facilities and services are essential for players and spactators.Some facilities such as protection to international players,medical expense,fitness training and accomodation comprise valuable income.For Example,serious injury of players during game can be expensive to sports department at certain level of host nation.Sometimes there are chances of communinial tensions between two different nationality’s peeople.
I only want to know that my idea and structure are proper in these two para and it can be possible to use simple language for 7 band

[Simon]

Hi Siya,

You've definitely got the right idea, and the structure is good.

I don't like to make a distinction between 'simple' and 'difficult' language. Sometimes the 'simple' words like "a" and "the" cause the most problems for students!

[siya]

Thanks for your advice but if i follow stucture of this paragraph in exam and writing practise at home then by writing simple language i can get 7 band?

[siya]

I can understand that i made mistakes to not use a and the rn this paragraphs.this things make negative marking ? and reduce band.I will surely try to take care about articles.I am too much worried beacuse i have to submit my 7 band result in march so hope you can understand me.

[Simon]

Hi Siya,

I don't think you used 'simple' language. Phrases like "earn revenue", "boost the economy" and "a huge amount of investment is needed" are certainly what I would call 'band 7 language'.

Mistakes with articles can effect your grammar score - the same as any other mistake can.

Your structure/organisation is very good, so keep practising in that way.

[G. Tolbert]

Hi Simon,
I have to write an example paragraph with 300 words with an outline but not sure how to start. Do you have aby suggestions or ideas?